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Jewish World Review Nov. 16, 2001 / 1 Kislev, 5762

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports

Osama not enough for some -- WITH the Taliban on the run and stories of their willingness to give up Bin Laden, it's time for the right to re-up their Bash-Clinton membership.

The radio and cable talk shows favorite cash cow is being brought out for further skewing. Would anyone be surprised if we found out that Bill is on the payroll of Roger Ailes and his confederates?

Dick Morris recently reported,

"I had a good illustration of Clinton's remoteness from terrorist issues in 1996 when Dick Holbrooke called me, several months after the terrorist attack on US barracks in Ridyah, Saudi Arabia. Holbrooke, who told me that he had never had the opportunity to speak with Clinton directly during the months that he was negotiating the Dayton peace accords in Bosnia, asked that I get hold of the president to pass along a message. Holbrooke said that he had information that the terrorists were planning another attack in Ridyah and that our troops were highly vulnerable. "They are stuck in the same buildings the terrorists attacked last time," I called the president and passed along Holbrooke's message. He had no idea that the troops were still in the barracks and said that he had ordered them dispersed to the desert six weeks before. "I've got a meeting with the Joint Chiefs in the morning," the president said "I'll raise hell with them." Shockingly, he was so little involved in protecting our troops - already the object of a terrorist attack - that he had no idea that his order had not been executed until I happened to call."

Ah yes,. I have no doubt that the President of the United States would be offering the trusted Dick Morris private conversations he would discuss with the Joint Chief Of Staff. I know we would have to stretch the believability here, but would it be possible that Clinton might not tell Morris all he knew.

Hillary remains central to the Right's pressing matters. Radio talk show host, Larry Elder wrote that Hillary Clinton's description of daughter Chelsea's September 11 morning in New York was different from what Chelsea wrote in her "Talk" magazine piece. Holy breaking news! Elder said this was "a major news item" because "Internet publisher Matt Drudge noted the conflicting accounts in his November 9 Drudge Report."

In a recent column, Ann Coulter said, "Everyone wishes he'd [Clinton] just go away and stop sending himself botulism out of anthrax envy." Go away? Is she kidding? She's making mortgage payments with Clinton's very existance. though who really thinks that even the death of Clinton would stop them.

Don't be surprised if we are still around we wouldn't find this little article tucked way neatly on the front page of the Washington Times.

November 20, 2075, Washington, D.C. | In a move surprising almost no one, and in a response to the most recent Senate subpoena, grave diggers at Arlington National Cemetery began the unenviable task of exhuming President Bill Clinton's remains.

The Senate hearings looking into a particle of DNA found in the Oval Office humidor, are expected to reach an elevated sense of drama and wit. The dead President is expected to receive a relentless grilling from Republican foes who seemed bent on bringing the former Commander-in-chief to his knees, contingent, of course, on whether or not his knees have yet to decompose entirely.

It is the seventh time this century that the beleaguered former President has been dug up to answer questions concerning alleged wrong-doing, a record surpassing former five-term President Hillary Clinton's six unearthings.

With cryogenics playing an ever-burgeoning part of the Republican Party's effort to humiliate the dead President, an amazing simulation of the late Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania, said that, once again, "impeachment would not be out of the question." If the Congress and Senate are successful in their efforts, this would be Clinton's third such impeachment since his death in 2048.

172 year old, Senator Strom Thurmond, whose sustained efforts to embarrass the former president are only surpassed by his continued refusals to die, said, "President Clinton was and still is..." (The rest of his statement was unintelligible).

The death-impaired Clinton refused comment, except for a statement released from his office which continues to insist that "...the former President is once again the target of Republican enemies who still can't run on the issues."

From this robotic home at Disneyland's famed, Hall Of Spinners, Clinton animatronic pal, James Carville, said that, "...this is all a lot of Republican hooey. These guys have spent nearly two hundred billion dollars on this witch hunt. They've dug up Bubba's' body so often that magician David Blaine's been buried longer than the President and he's still alive." Even the lovely Bride Of Carville, lifelike talking head Mary Matlin, chimed in with grudging admiration. "Even though the guy is a bonehead, literally, he would probably still clobber whomever the GOP puts up against him." Matlin's comments seem supported by Bill Clinton's surprising third term in office (2060-2064), to date the only known incidence of a deceased candidate elected to the top post AND serving his entire term. "And, his distinguished performance, considering his being a corpse, was first-rate," drawled the Ragin' Cajun.

Last remaining conservative blonde bombshell, 120 year old Ann Coulter, said, "Thank G-d. I'm exhausted from jumping up and down on his grave. Clinton is like a bad burrito. He keeps repeating, and just when you think you're rid of him, he returns and burns your butt."

Former Clinton buddy, Dick Morris, who has been buried in the next crypt said that Clinton revealed to him that he was behind the Archduke Ferdinand assassination, colon cancer and that meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs.

With recent polls still showing the popular deceased Chief Executive with a 78% approval rating, reporters have asked the former President if he will entertain running for public office again, considering that he remains severely dead. The obviously tired, but still enthusiastic Comeback Kid smiled. "It depends what your definition of dead is."

JWR contributor Steve Young, contributing editor of the Writers Guild Of America's "Written By" magazine, is a Prism Award winner and Humanitas nominee for his writing on the accurate depiction alcohol use and addiction in a television comedy episode. Comment by clicking here.

11/09/01: Networks at war!
11/05/01: Bridges Over Troubled Water
10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2001, Steve Young