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Jewish World Review Nov. 5, 2001 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan, 5762

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Consumer Reports

Bridges Over Troubled Water -- I THINK it's great that our government is out there attempting to protect us from possible terrorist attacks and sabotage. My problem is that the warnings we get seem to be more about creating paranoia than safety. The call to "Watch out!" with no specifics as to what we should watch out for, only goes to hurt my neck. Besides the stress, I keep twisting and turning to see what may be happening somewhere. I'm so busy being careful, I barely have time to be cautious.

I iron my mail to kill the Anthrax and get out those unsightly envelope wrinkles.

I refuse to visit democratic legislators during the letter opening process.

I don't go to the mall, especially on Halloween. I hope that one lasts at least through Valentine's Day.

I don't fly unless all box cutters are taken away and every passenger is supplied with a gun.

I turn in any suspicious people in the my neighborhood who look different than I do. Turned in my neighbor's kid three times so far.

Now, with the latest warning to be wary of possible terrorist attacks on California bridges, how do I make sure I protect my family from the unknown? Just to make sure we've covered our bases, I urge our government not to bypass any...bypass. Let's get the National Guard troops on the alert and stationed at ALL possible target:

They are, in no particular order:

  • The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

  • The Bridge To The 21st Century

  • The late Alec Guinness before goes and finishes the one over Kwai

  • Lady's club's games (bridge, and just in case, ma jong)

  • The one my dad purchased a number of times in Brooklyn (despite my mother's cries to cease and desist) as well as The Gary David Goldberg show that CBS didn't have the guts to continue and Johnny Maestro's back up group (but not the Union Gap)

  • Every dentist office

  • Children's books where the London one seems to collapse upon every reading

  • The bony part of every American's nose

  • The captain's position over the main deck of every ship including Captains Kirk's.

  • All sticks in pool halls used to rest your cue on.

  • Most music compositions

  • And all of Lloyd's kids, especially Beau..

Think I'm a little paranoid? Nope, I'm just bein' careful...for America.

JWR contributor Steve Young, contributing editor of the Writers Guild Of America's "Written By" magazine, is a Prism Award winner and Humanitas nominee for his writing on the accurate depiction alcohol use and addiction in a television comedy episode. Comment by clicking here.

10/29/01: The other terrorists
10/16/01: Diary Of A Young Defense Department Comedy Writer
10/01/01: Playlands, burgers, and family sanity
09/25/01: Dissent is walking on red, white and blue egg shells
09/21/01: OPEN LETTER THE MOST HIGH (RE: Falwell and Robertson comments)
09/17/01: Gary, we miss ya
09/10/01: Smelling out a real hero
09/04/01: Don't give up on that dream!
08/24/01: Pitch day at the Mouse
08/21/01: It Depends On What Your Definition Of "Unlimited" Is


© 2001, Steve Young