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Jewish World Review Jan. 19, 2004 / 25 Teves, 5764

Debra J. Saunders

Debra J. Saunders
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The Yankee Al Gore | I want John Forbes Kerry to be the Democratic nominee for president.

I want the granite face to win the primary in the Granite State.

I want a Democratic nominee who bemoans "America's gluttony for fossil fuel," unfazed by the embarrassing fact that he owns a Cessna.

I don't think the Massachusetts senator has exhausted all the nuances possible concerning his position on the war on Iraq. I want to hear all the dirty details about how Bush "misled" Kerry. Or how Kerry was pushing for the right war, but not if it's done wrong, even if for the right reasons.

I want to see if "Live Shot" — as wags call him — will be wearing makeup the next time he calls George W. Bush the "photo-op president."

I want a nominee who knows how to pile on adjectives. It was fascinating to watch Kerry say on "Meet the Press" that Bush has "run the most arrogant, inept, reckless and ideological foreign policy in modern history."

I want to find out if that means Kerry thinks the war in Iraq is more inept, more reckless and more ideological than the war in Vietnam.

I want to hear the f-word in presidential debates. If Kerry could proffer fricatives for Rolling Stone, surely he might find them handy while debating an arrogant, inept, reckless, ideological president.

Then, if his numbers fall, I want to hear Kerry say he doesn't pay attention to the f-ing polls.

I want a Democratic nominee whose wife's stock portfolio makes Veep Dick Cheney's erstwhile Halliburton holdings look like chump change. I want a wannabe first lady who, if the Bushies make light of her husband, retorts that the Bushies don't even speak French — with her r's trilled.

I want a Democratic nominee who orders Grey Poupon with his Philly cheese steak sandwich.

I want a 2004 candidate who lets the world see what Al Gore would be like if he were a Yankee.

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I want a Democratic nominee who, like Bush, eschews federal matching funds for his political campaign — but only after blaming rival Howard Dean for dropping out of the matching-fund system first.

I want Kerry to win the nod so that he can raise enough money to pay off the loan and the mortgage he took out on his Boston home after he said no to matching funds.

And then I want to hear Kerry denounce the pernicious influence of big-money special interests.

I want a nominee who fires top staff when he's down in the polls. It's especially choice when, afterward, his friends explain to the media that Kerry is always down in the polls, at least until the last minute, when he inevitably bounces back and sails to victory.

I want to see a musical duel between Bush supporter Ricky Martin and the Kerry-loving Moby.

I don't think the Democratic Party can have enough candidates who show that they're regular gun-loving guys by going pheasant hunting.

I want Kerry to ride his Harley on the "Tonight Show" again — but wearing the helmet Michael Dukakis wore in the tank.

Most of all, I want to understand how a man can be so brave that he earned a Silver Star, a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts in Vietnam, yet he then can be so craven that when he protested the war, he threw away other people's medals in protest.

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© 2003, Creators Syndicate