Jewish World Review Oct. 21, 2004 / 6 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765
6 degrees of Karl Rove: Look close and you will find a Rove connection to everything from the rise of rickets in Arkansas to distemper among Labradors
Where Dwight Eisenhower had the Military-Industrial Complex and Richard
Nixon had the Trilateral Commission, George Bush has Karl Rove. If you take
all of the conspiracies involving one world order, United Nations black
helicopters, fluoridation as mind-control, and Hillary Clinton, and roll
them into a pear-shaped figure, you get Karl Rove for liberals.
The Internet is alive with Rove-inspired liberal conspiracy theories. At one
site, Rove, President Bush's senior political adviser, is accused of being
the mastermind behind the leak of a CIA agent's name to punish her husband,
former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, for a negative report on weapons of mass
destruction. And at a host of other sites, Rove is widely cited as
engineering the Iraq war; ordering the halt of major combat operations in
Iraq until after Election Day; and crafting a plan for a single-party
government, such as Iraq's Baathist Party. My current favorite was disclosed
to me by a close friend who suggested Rove was behind the shortage of flu
shots because poor people are more likely to get the flu and stay home sick
on Election Day.
It is a political version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Look close enough
and you will find links revealing a Rove connection to everything from the
rise of rickets in Arkansas to distemper among Labrador retrievers.
Playing Six Degrees of Karl Rove can be the ultimate distraction for
liberals anxious about polling results. Just start with the name of some
obscure figure hated by liberals, such as the late Jonas Savimbi, the
infamous and homicidal leader of the Angolan rebel group National Union for
the Total Independence of Angola. Easy. In 1973 Rove ran and won a bitter
campaign for chairman of the College Republican National Committee (He won
by challenging the votes of his competitor and sending two sets of delegates
to the convention floor). The election was so close that the then-chairman
of the RNC, George Herbert Walker Bush, had to pick the winner. Rove's
campaign manager was a novice Lee Atwater, and the campaign catapulted Rove
and Atwater into national Republican politics. Atwater then went to work as
a consultant and secured U.S. support for Savimbi, who then received
clandestine support from the United States when Bush went on to become CIA
director, vice president and then president.
Rove is perfect for the role of liberal ubervillain. When little liberal
kids do not eat their vegetables, they are told about "the Rover" who seeks
out weak little liberals to devour and then regurgitate to nestling
conservatives. Just unhinge his jaw and he could eat the Democratic
National Committee whole.
Rove may soon surpass other Internet cottage conspiracy figures such as
Hillary Rodham Clinton. Since I receive a steady stream of Rove-conspiracy
e-mails, I would like to contribute two thoroughly researched and proven
theories for Internet consumption:
Robotic Rove theory: Rove often is accused of fueling religious zealots with
red-meat morality issues such as banning same-sex marriage. But few have
explored the possibility that he actually was created by the religious
right. First, no one ever has produced a picture of Rove actually drinking
water or sleeping. Second, Rove lists his "birth" as Dec. 25, 1950 an
obvious date for religious engineers to launch an anatomical political unit.
Third, rearrange the letters in his name and they spell ARK LOVER.
Coincidence or a secret code from his faith-based manufacturers?
Karl the extraterrestrial: Rove reportedly green-lighted the Bush plan to
colonize space. Many viewed the announcement as a rare and embarrassing
overstretch by Rove. But what if Rove's motivations were not political but
extraterrestrial? Consider the fact that Rove is reportedly the one who
reversed the administration's decision to sign the Kyoto accords. Former
Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Christine Whitman had spoken
with Bush and reportedly was given authority to announce that the U.S. would
sign the historic treaty to prevent global warming. When Rove heard the
announcement on the news, he quickly reversed the decision and made Whitman
retract the statement. Many insist Rove was protecting close allies in the
oil industry. However ... and here is the link ... it was the greenhouse
effect that supposedly caused Mars to lose its water and created its barren
environment. Now, consider the fact that the administration has sent two
"Rovers" to Mars as part of its plan to establish colonies. In the meantime,
the administration (via Rove) is seeking steps that could make Earth
resemble the Martian planet. Answer: Rove is an extraterrestrial seeking a
climatic bond with Earth and eventual cross-colonization.
Sure, the administration has hidden the extraterrestrial influence in the
White House for years, but a few unguarded hints have emerged. For example,
Bush's campaign manager, Ken Mehlman, recently was confronted about the
notable square bulge in the back of Bush's suit during the first
presidential debate. When it was suggested that Bush was receiving answers
from Rove off-stage through a transmitter, Mehlman was asked to deny it.
Instead, Mehlman stated that "He's [Bush] been getting information from
Mars." A joke or an admission?
As someone raised in an ultraleft family from Chicago, I can tell you every
bit of this is true just ask any liberal chat room.
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JWR contributor Jonathan Turley is the Shapiro Professor of Public Interest Law at George
Washington University Law School.
Click here to visit his website. Comment by clicking here.
© 2004, Jonathan Turley