Jewish World Review Aug. 12, 1999 /29 Av, 5759
Male Nurturing Deficit a Major Gripe For Wives
By Dr. Wade F. Horn
Q: We're a group of gals from Michigan who are fans of your column. But as
much as we agree with your assertions that fathers matter, we do have some
legitimate gripes about the fathers of our children. Okay, only one, but it
is a biggie. Here it is.
"Nurturing" isn't just about playtime. There is a lot of scut work
involved. Frankly, there isn't any one of us who can't change our own tires
once in a blue moon. It is the 24/7/365 schedule that wears us out and makes
us resentful. The fact that we've had to bludgeon some degree of cooperation
out of our husbands and kids does not make us feel particularly successful.
Leaving "the mess" for Mom does get old!
As more and more of us women have moved into the role of breadwinner, it
is not unreasonable to expect some reciprocation on the home front. 50-50?
Of course not. We admit that Dads do other, less "scheduled" but equally
necessary tasks. But the fact remains: nurturing is about more than
roughhousing.
When Dad makes the lunches or tosses a load in the dryer, he's not doing
Mom a "favor." It is simply work that needs to get done. Unfortunately,
there is often some heavy-duty, passive-resistance going on in a lot of
households on the part of the fathers.
And puh-leeze spare us the stereotype of Mom pushing Dad out of the
domestic scut realm. We can guarantee you that we do not walk in from work
and get upset because Dad has taken three minutes to empty the dishwasher!
A: There is good and bad news here for us guys. Let's start with the good
news
There is a great deal of evidence that fathers today are spending more
time doing household chores and providing child care than fathers did two or
three generations ago. In 1960, for every hour a father spent doing
household chores and providing child care, moms put in four. By 1981, for
every hour dads put in, moms put in two. And by the early 1990s, for every
hour he put in, moms put in one and a half. Way to go dads!
Well, not so fast. (Here's the bad news.) It's also clear that moms
still do more household chores and direct child care than do dads. This is
particular true when it comes to the "scut" work, described by this letter
writer; things like changing the diapers, getting the kids dressed, and
cleaning the house. So there is still a mom-dad gap when it comes to
household chores and direct child care.
To be fair, this mom-dad gap is a bit deceiving. There are lots of
household chores where us guys do the lion share of the "scut" work, like
mowing the lawn, maintaining the car, and paying the bills.
And at least in part, this mom-dad gap is explained by the fact that even
in cases where both the mom and the dad work full-time outside the home,
dads, on average, work longer hours. For example, one survey found that
whereas moms spend more time on household chores than dads (3.7 hours per day
versus 3 hours per day), dads work longer hours for pay than do moms (48.5
hours per week versus 42 hours per week). Since moms work less hours for
pay, they naturally have more time to spend on household chores.
But these "gals from Michigan" have a legitimate grip. Dads do do less
of the scut work than do the moms. So why do we guys generally feel we
deserve a medal for all we do?
It all has to do with one's frame of reference. For moms the frame of
reference is themselves. They look at the total universe of diapering or
vacuuming, and say to themselves, "Gee, I'm doing a lot more of this stuff
than he is!" By this comparison, us dads aren't measuring up very well.
But the frame of reference for us guys is not what the mom is doing, but
what our own fathers did when we were growing up. Consequently, when we
change one diaper a day, we say, "Boy are we terrific! My dad never changed
a diaper in his whole life, and here I am changing one diaper each and every
day!" Gone unnoticed, of course, is the fact that mom has changed six
diapers that very same day.
The same goes for vacuuming and other household chores. Dads today are
doing more than their dads did, but still not as much as their wives
(although here, I say with great modesty, I personally do deserve a medal
because I do all our family's laundry -- of course, I haven't dragged a
vacuum around in about ten years, but I digress).
Instead, let him know that you recognize that he is doing much more
around the house than his (and your) dad did, and then tell him that changing
a few more diapers or vacuuming a little more would be a great help to you.
Believe it or not, we guys do like to be helpful -- but we also like to feel
appreciated. A little sugar makes the medicine go down.
If all else fails, tell him this: Women find a man vacuuming the floors
irresistibly sexy. That ought to get his
So what's a stressed out mom to do? Understand that when it comes to
household chores and child care, moms and dads have different frames of
reference. If you want your hubby to do more of both, a frontal assault is
likely to only result in a mystified look and resentment that you don't
appreciate how truly liberated your guy is.
JWR contributor Dr. Wade F. Horn is President of the
National Fatherhood Initiative and
co-author of The
Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book. Send your question about dads,
children or
fatherhood to him C/O JWR
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