Jewish World Review Feb. 11, 1999 /25 Shevat, 5759
Basics Remain the Same for Single, Custodial Dads
By Dr. Wade F. Horn
Q: Do you have any advice to offer single fathers? I have a 3-year-old who I am
raising by myself and could use all the advise I can get!
A: I've been getting a lot of questions from single fathers lately -- and with good reason.
Single fathers are the fastest growing family form in the U.S. today. First, the facts.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 2.1 million single father headed
households with children present, up a whopping 25 percent since just 1995. Today, single
fathers comprise one out of every six of the nation's 11.9 million single parents. Overall,
3.1 million children under the age of 18 live with their single fathers.
Of course, there have always been single fathers raising children. The difference is
that in the past, most single father headed households were created when a mother died.
Today, the major pathway to a single father headed household is divorce. Among the single
fathers caring for children, 56 percent are divorced or separated, and 35 percent are never
married.
There are important differences between single father headed households and single
mother headed households. Perhaps most importantly, single fathers are more likely to be
employed and to have better jobs than single mothers. According to the U.S. Census
Bureau, the median household income for single fathers is approximately $24,000, compared
to about $15,000 for single mothers and $48,000 for two-parent households.
A second difference is that single fathers, compared to single mothers, are more
likely to have another adult present in the home. Only about one-quarter of children living
in single father households reside only with their divorced, separated, or never married
father. Over one-third live with their father's cohabiting partner and another one-third live
with their father and other adults, such as the father's parents.
Thus, single fathers are financially better off than single mothers and are more likely
to have another pair of adult hands to help them with the daily tasks of childrearing. The
downside to having higher incomes, however, is that single fathers are less likely to qualify
for such services as government subsidized child care and transportation services.
Despite being better off financially, single fathers tend to feel more socially isolated
than do single mothers. Indeed, a University of Florida study examining the life satisfaction
of men and women, married and single, with children and childless, found single fathers to
be the unhappiest of any group.
So what does all this mean to the single father?
First, don't be afraid to seek advice. You may have noticed that us guys don't like
to stop and ask for directions. Instead, we'll wander around for hours searching for some
clue as to where we might be, as if asking for directions is an affront to our manhood.
Unfortunately, this male tendency can carry over into much more important aspects of
our lives, like parenting. That's why the most popular parenting books are those that are
targeted to women. Dads are much less likely to seek information about parenting by buying
books.
If you are a married dad you can get away with this because your wife will buy the
books for you. Then, when she's not looking, you can sneak a peak at that parenting book
lying on the bedside table.
Single fathers are less fortunate. You're going to have to buy that book yourself.
Fortunately, there are many new good ones, including Single Parenting From a Father's
Heart by Steve Horner, as well as my The
Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book. So swallow your pride and go to the nearest bookstore
and pick up a book or two.
Second, don't be afraid to ask for help. Although books will help you understand
the rudiments of child development and provide hints on such topics as effective limit setting,
books can not take over when you are completely and utterly exhausted (and what parent
isn't at least once in a while?). For that assistance, you're going to have to ask another
adult. Don't be afraid to ask.
Third, don't cohabit with a romantic partner. Seeking help from another adult
doesn't mean you should shack up with your girlfriend. One of the most important tasks of
parenting is to instill a set of moral values in our children. If you want your children to
believe that sex between adults is something that should be reserved for marriage, you must
live this example.
Fourth, pay more attention to process. We guys like to set a goal, make a plan,
and then enact the plan to attain the goal. This tendency spills over into parenting. When
reading to our kids, for example, fathers want to finish the book. Moms are more content to
take side-trips into interesting conversations, even if that means the book never gets finished.
Here, fathers need to take a lesson from moms. Good parenting is not a race to the
finish line. It's more like a stroll. Don't get too hung up on accomplishing every household
task on some precise schedule. Instead, focus more on the process of parenting, not just
accomplishing daily tasks.
Finally, and most importantly, be a loving dad, unafraid to set limits. Sometimes
single fathers worry so much about being a good parent, that they mistake being their kids'
pal for being their dad. But the basics for parenting as a single father are the same as the
basics for parenting as a married father: Give your kids lots of love, set limits where
necessary, and do so consistently.
In the end, if you do these three things right, your kids
will turn out just
JWR contributor Dr. Wade F. Horn is President of the
National Fatherhood Initiative and
co-author of The
Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book. Send your question about dads,
children or
fatherhood to him C/O JWR
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