April 21st, 2021


Unimportant News

Greg Crosby

By Greg Crosby

Published July 15, 2016

There is so much depressing news in our country it makes me sick. As a guy who fills his column every week with opinions on the American scene, it's getting harder and harder to put together an article on current events that isn't a downer. Not to say that there isn't anything to write about. I could write about the anti-police riots in our major cities this past week instigated by American-hating progressive racist groups, but I won't.

I could write about President Obama's real legacy, that he is the worst man in modern history to occupy the White House and has set the bar so low that we now have the two weakest candidates running for president in my lifetime, two people who should never get within throwing distance of the White House, let alone occupy it, but I won't.

Instead I will attempt to take your mind off the really ugly stuff going on, and share some little known nonsense news items of the week. So forget about the bad people, take a deep breath, and here we go.

Unimportant news story number one: BEAVER ATTACKS WOMAN. A beaver suspected of carrying rabies attacked a paddle boarder on Beaver Lake in Asheville, North Carolina last Friday, inflicting multiple lacerations.

Betsy Bent, 67, who has used Beaver Lake for 22 years said, "I saw a big splash, but I didn't see what the splash was from. It came up under my board and knocked my board over, and then it latched onto my leg and wouldn't let go. I didn't know what it was at that time. I didn't think there was any 'Jaws' in Beaver Lake." Once Bent fell in the water, the beaver kept attacking. It attacked her three times before a friendly fisherman came by and helped beat the beaver off her. He pulled her to shore and soon she was transported to a hospital for medical care of several lacerations. Betsy will have to undergo all the rabies shots, which will be administered over the course of many days. No word yet on whether they will rename the place Crazy Beaver Lake, but it might be a good idea.

Unimportant news story number two: EATING MORE FRUIT AND VEGATABLES WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER. In an article to be published shortly in "American Journal of Public Health," a new study has found that not only will fruit and vegetables reduce risk of cancer and heart attacks, but it can improve a person's psychological well being as well.

Happiness benefits were detected for each extra daily portion of fruit and vegetables up to 8 portions per day. Researchers concluded that people who changed from almost no fruit and vegetables to eight portions of fruit and vegetables a day would experience an increase in life satisfaction equivalent to moving from unemployment to employment. The well-being improvements occurred within 24 months.

The study followed more than 12,000 randomly selected people. These subjects kept food diaries and had their psychological well being measured. The authors found large positive psychological benefits within two years of an improved diet. Eight apples a day keeps the blues away.

Unimportant news story number three: JAVIER BARDEM TO STAR IN FRANENSTEIN REMAKE. Who says there are no new ideas in Hollywood? According to Variety, Javier Bardem is in talks to star as Frankenstein in Universal's classic monster movie series. This is the latest attempt of Universal to resurrect their old film monsters. I hear shooting is just about done on "The Mummy" starring Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe, and Johnny Depp will be doing another Universal horror remake.

Actually casting A-list actors into horror flicks is nothing new. Acting great Spencer Tracy played "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" back in the 40's.

Unimportant news story number four: POKEMON GO TAKES WORLD BY STORM. People are going crazy for Nintendo's new video game app. It's played using a smart phone and interacts with users in real time and real places. But here's the problem, as people walk around playing this game they're also walking out into street traffic endangering lives. And some users are getting robbed by crooks that lure them into back alleys and other remote places. Ain't technology grand?

Well, that's it for now. Toodle-oo. Maybe next week I'll go back to writing about the more important depressing stuff again. Or not.

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JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. He's been a JWR contributor since 1999.