I'm Still Here

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I find myself at the keyboard this morning with the idea of writing my column for this week. I have no inkling where I'm going with this. I have no specific topic in mind. I only know one thing; I must get back into a weekly routine of writing. I have to do this for my own sanity and health. Since losing my wife last month it has been an effort for me to function in what could be called a normal way. I only know that I must try. So here I am.

For the majority of my working life I worked at writing and drawing humor. My ambition to be a comic strip cartoonist was my dream, instead I wound up at The Walt Disney Studio, first in animation, then in the story department, and then in the comic strip department writing and sketching the Donald Duck strip. Eventually I became manager of the department then expanded into the broader publication and consumer product division. I was made director of creative and finally Vice President.

I don't know why the hell I'm going into all this today. I only know I have to keep my fingers typing at this keyboard, just letting them put down anything that comes to mind at any moment. I wish I could offer my readers some humor, something light and happy, but the desire to be funny is gone. The joy in my life is gone.

Wow, this has got to be a difficult column to read, it certainly is a tough one to write. But I will continue.

My day consists of getting up in the morning, eating some kind of breakfast, washing and shaving, making the bed, getting dressed and waiting for lunch. If IÕm lucky I might have some sort of errand to run like going grocery shopping or getting gas or going to the bank. Anything that gets me out of the house is a good thing. Sometimes if there is nothing else I will take a walk around the neighborhood.

But no matter where I go or how long I'm gone, there is a time that I must come home again. To an empty house. The sadness returns quickly and once again here I am alone with my memories of my sweet Jane. I canÕt get away from it. I try to watch a movie or TV or read and that does help for a while.

Dinner and the night hours before bed are the hardest. Sitting at the dinner table without Jane is torture. Sitting on the couch after dinner I'm only waiting to go to bed and hopefully falling asleep quickly. I say my prayers every night and besides blessing the soul of my wife, I bless the souls of my parents.

Of course I bless my family and friends and wish them health and happiness. Then I turn over and wait for sleep to take me away for a few hours. Soon the next day comes.

Look, I know my sorrow is still so fresh and raw and perhaps in time it won't eat me up quite as much as it does now, but I also know I will never ever be the same person I once was when I had my love, my best friend, my partner in life, my beautiful wife. I just never will be the same.

I needed to write something this week, and so here it is. I wish it could have been more uplifting and hopeful. Maybe next week.

And maybe someday IÕll be able to write something funny again. Wouldn't that be nice?

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