February Honors

Presidents Washington and Lincoln have birthdays in the month of February. Each one of those great presidents' birthdays should be a national holiday. Strangely, Lincoln's never was. Washington's February 22nd birthday used to be a national holiday, but then it was changed to the all-inclusive "Presidents Day." Another example of stupid governmental thinking.

Additionally, the month of February celebrates the following:

• American Heart Month

• An Affair to Remember Month

• Black History Month

• Canned Food Month

• Creative Romance Month

• Great American Pie Month

• National Bird Feeding Month

• National Cherry Month

• National Children's Dental Health Month

• National Grapefruit Month

• National Weddings Month

• Spunky Old Broads Month And those are just the month-long celebrations. The daily celebrations include so much ridiculous nonsense that it becomes nauseating. Consider Stuffed Mushroom Day, National Shower with a Friend Day, Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, Toothache Day, White T-shirt Day, National Battery Day, Do a Grouch a Favor Day, and Card Reading Day. I could go on, the list is voluminous, but you get the idea.

For a short little month, it seems to me we have far too many holidays. Where do they come from? Who is in charge of bestowing a day of honor on toothaches? Is there a Government Bureau of Celebrations in Washington, D.C.? What moron thinks it's a wonderful thing to set aside a day to honor Card Reading?

February isn't unique, every single month of the year has dozens of days honoring and celebrating every kind of mundane and absurd thing you could think of.

I'm sure there is a Put Your Pants on Your Head Day and a Stick Your Finger in an Electrical Outlet Day. But I can guarantee there is one thing you will never find on any calendar in America; Liberal Idiots Day. (That's every day, unfortunately)

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Isn't it great that we have advanced to such a remarkable place in human development, that we have solved all of our problems, and have nothing else to think about except creating asinine holidays in which to fill our calendars? It's so wonderful.

Of course, not all designated holidays are official "federal holidays."

In fact, the only federal holiday in the month of February is Presidents Day. I would be happy to see Presidents Day scrubbed and replaced with two official federal holidays for the month. Abraham Lincoln Day on the 12th and George Washington Day on the 22nd. And no changing the birthdays to fit into three-day weekends, either. We honor these great leaders on their day. Period.

And here's another way to honor our American heroes, anyone who desecrates any national monument (presidential or otherwise) gets time in federal prison automatically, time to be equal with the cost of repairing the monument.

Calculated in dollars to days of incarceration. In other words, if it costs $4,000 to fix the statue or monument, then it means 4,000 days in prison. No leniency, no exceptions.

Don't expect any of this to happen in the next four years, if it happens at all. Let's just hope by that time we still have a few monuments left to save.