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December 11th, 2017

Insight

She Is the Very Leader of the Democrat Minority

Debra J. Saunders

By Debra J. Saunders

Published December 26, 2014

With apologies to W.S. Gilbert and "The Pirates of Penzance."

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D's majority.

I pass a bill so I can read what's written deep inside of it.

Though November felt like Waterloo, it won't come off my hide a bit.

I paid my dues in 2010. My gavel's now in Boehner's paws,

And what is left to see me through — except the LA Times' applause?

But still I have to guard us all from evil and the GOP.

I'm here to save the planet (plus the perks God gave to me).

I need to show the left I hold ideologic purity

And somehow also hide that fact in media obscurity.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D's majority.

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

On punishment most capital, a Catholic like me must object.

On matters reproductive, though, that knee-jerk doctrine I reject.

So, too, on matters sexual, transgender or confessional.

I beg for new indulgences — my due as a professional.

On immigration, I recall that Jesus was a refugee.

But churches wanting conscience clauses are fanatics dead to me.

I speak wide-eyed and hushy-toned to demonstrate humility,

Even though I do believe in my infallibility.

I fought for my dear Julia and slew copayments for Plan B.

I do not rue the centrists lost, since no one's to the left of me.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D's majority.

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

I know the head of Syria. Damascus is the road to peace.

Does ISIS know I scarf my head when visiting the Middle East?

For U.S. troops, I must now ban appointments so Samarrian.

Hamas, my pals in Qatar say, is most humanitarian.

On matters interrogatory, waterboards were torturous.

"Not who we are," I sing along with all Barack Obama's chorus.

I keep my hands and skirts so clean, since drones have such a fine mystique.

And no one can accuse Barack of needing any harsh technique.

The CIA never briefed me on its ways to get intelligence.

Except it did, but I expected torture methods with more elegance.

I used to rule the House, but then I blew the D's majority.

I am the very leader of the Democrat minority.

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