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Jewish World Review Dec. 17, 2004 / 5 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Scott Peterson was convicted of murder and recommended the death penalty by his jury this week. The state bar association was hugely relieved. If one more wife-killer got off in California no one would ever pay for a divorce lawyer again.

The Weather Channel said Tuesday bitter cold hit the Eastern Seaboard. There were record-low temperatures. In New York City, people were sleeping three to a bed in silent tribute to Bernard Kerik's brief career as Homeland Security Secretary.

John McCain ripped baseball over steroids Monday when players said they used steroids to help them win. What hypocrisy. If steroids helped senators win, they'd all be buying baby oil by the case to look their best for the New Hampshire primary.

Kobe Bryant discussed his unpopularity on ESPN Wednesday. He told cops Shaq paid off women and he told reporters Karl Malone hit on his wife. Compared to Kobe Bryant, that guy in Ukraine who was poisoned doesn't have an enemy in the world.

Ukraine presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was diagnosed by doctors Tuesday to have been poisoned during the campaign by someone slipping dioxin into his soup. It's affected people's daily lives. Voters in Ukraine now pray after they eat.

The State Department put Hezbollah's satellite television station on its list of terrorist organizations. Picture the variety shows. Last week Iranian Idol was won by a Frank Sinatra impersonator who sang I've Got You Strapped to My Chest.

Congressman John Conyers asked the FBI Wednesday to impound voting machines in Ohio over computer rigging. Something was very fishy. The three names on the ballot in Cuyahoga County were George Bush and John Kerry and Reparations Information.

Tennis superstar Anna Kournikova married Enrique Iglesias in Puerto Vallarta last week. She has been around the block. When the groom raised his glass and toasted his bride as the most wonderful lover he ever enjoyed, the waiter joined him.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton