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Jewish World Review Dec. 15, 2004 / 3 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Scott Peterson was recommended the death penalty by a California jury Monday for double murder. He still thinks he has a chance of getting away with it. That night they served him a grilled cheese sandwich and he saw O.J. Simpson's image on it.

Barry Bonds was hammered with questions about steroid use Friday. First he said he didn't use steroids and now he says he didn't know they were steroids. If he gets caught in one more lie the Nixon Library may have to send a helicopter for him.

Ocean's Twelve, with an all-star cast, topped the movie box office Sunday. It's a hilarious comedy. In the movie a dozen clever American burglars knock over a bank in Europe, but the joke's on them when all they make off with are U.S. dollars.

Bernard Kerik withdrew his name for Homeland Security Secretary Saturday. He dodged employee taxes and cheated on his wife with two women and had Mafia ties. Las Vegas just asked him to be the grand marshal of next year's Founders Day parade.

NBC News ran a two-hour special Sunday on the Las Vegas business boom. There is no guilt or shame in that town. The most popular recipe for a screwdriver in Las Vegas is to pour four ounces of vodka into a tall glass and then face Florida.

Bill Clinton signed copies of his autobiography Monday at the Arab Strategy Forum in Dubai. Some people had copies in English and some had copies in Arabic. His book in English is titled My Life and in Arabic they titled it Five Thousand Jokes for All Occasions.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton