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Jewish World Review Dec. 13, 2004 / 30 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | MasterCard dropped Barry Bonds Thursday from a planned season-long series of commercials starring the musclebound slugger. The penalty is plain for steroid users. Under current law he could get four to eight years as Governor of California.

The San Francisco Giants said Thursday they plan to honor Barry Bonds's home runs with great fanfare. Everybody's afraid to see the fans' reaction. To make it sound like everyone's chanting his name, Bonds has decided to change his name to Bruce.

The White House urged baseball on Tuesday to test players for steroids. The drugs help athletes to perform much better. Jack Kennedy took steroids for an adrenal deficiency his first year in office and he completed more passes than Johnny Unitas.

The Atlanta Braves signed ageless hitter Julio Franco Friday who's forty-six years old. He's seen a lot of changes. When Julio Franco signed his first deal, he received a signing bonus that allowed his mother to work for the rest of her life.

Ocean's Twelve did a huge box office on Saturday. It's a caper about burglars who pull off a huge heist in Europe to pay back a casino owner for a huge heist they made in Las Vegas. The original title for the movie was Social Security Reform.

The Agriculture Department ticketed Siegfried and Roy in Las Vegas for animal mishandling. Last year the white tiger bit Roy onstage and almost killed him. Since the mauling, every political humorist has a Blue State act and a Red State act.

The Clinton Library Gift Shop reported Friday that merchandise sales have been huge since the opening in November. They get a lot of free weekly advertising. Bill Clinton is the number-one sermon illustration in a seven-hundred-mile radius of Little Rock.

The Pentagon stepped up drug testing of U.S. forces in the Middle East Friday. Hashish and opium are abundant there. The Koran clearly states that a terrorist who hides in poppy fields is a terrorist who will live to collect Social Security.

Canada said Friday its immigration website is swamped by visits from America since the election. The country has always been a poor man's Plan B. Canada is where you flee when you're afraid to even ask the price of real estate in London.

Daimler Chrysler recalled six hundred thousand Durangos and Dakotas Thursday due to unstable front axles. There's a risk that the front wheels could fly off and turn into rolling torpedoes. A lot of these vehicles are riding on Firestones.

Democrat Gary Condit was ordered by a judge Tuesday to answer questions about his sexual history. The former congressman is suing a gossip reporter. Six years ago he had an affair with an intern while trying to pledge Bill Clinton's fraternity.

Senator John Kerry stated Thursday he will visit Iraq when he travels to the Middle East on a fact-finding mission next month. The senator is trying to put a dignified spin on it. He's just too proud to admit that his unit's been called up.

The TSA changed its mind Thursday and revoked the new rule requiring airlines to report every security incident to the government. The director had heard enough. One guy was so stupid he picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton