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Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 2004 / 25 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Topps Bubble Gum inked a lucrative deal with Barry Bonds Monday. The company bought the rights to use his image on baseball cards. They want him to pose with the cast of Desperate Housewives so collectors can have all the cheaters in one picture.

Luciano Pavarotti announced he will retire from the concert stage after next year's world tour. The tenor is a legend in the opera world. Luciano Pavarotti once held a high-C for forty-seven seconds, but how often do you back into a spear?

Congress negotiated Monday to try to rescue the Intelligence Reform Bill and combine all fifteen U.S. spy agencies. We all know how this ends. By the time they finish amending the bill it'll be a fishing tackle museum in the Speaker's district.

Bill Clinton warned an energy forum in New York City Monday that the dangers of global warming are imminent. The evidence is contradictory. To scientists it's a mystery how the Ice Shelf is breaking up and yet Bill and Hillary remain together.

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Howard Dean called on the Democratic National Party Monday to woo voters in the Red States. They don't have a clue how to do it. Democrats think they will appeal to gun owners if they lift the ban on snuff films at the Sundance Festival.

U.S. Civil Rights Commission chairwoman Mary Frances Berry stayed put Monday after she was fired by President Bush. He says her time is up but she won't leave. Saddam Hussein has been called a lot of things but never an inspiration to civil rights activists.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton