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Jewish World Review Dec. 7, 2004 / 24 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Weather Channel reported Sunday that a huge Alaskan cold front swept down the West Coast, sending California temperatures plunging. The Bay Area was hit the hardest. It was so cold in San Francisco that Barry Bonds was sticking to his story.

Major League Baseball players' union counsel Gene Orza maintained Sunday that the current steroid crackdown is working. It's not that strict. The first year you get counseling, the second year you get fined, and the third year you get the MVP.

New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik was named to head Homeland Security last week. It's safer to have a New Yorker running the watch. The World Trade Center wasn't even struck by the Janitors Union when John Gotti was in charge of protection.

John Kerry vowed to finance recounts for Democrats Sunday to build up favors for the next presidential race. He can quit trying. Democrats love Hillary so much that Bill has begun squeezing tennis balls to get back in shape for White House work.

Alabama joined California in court efforts to legalize medical marijuana on Sunday. It's like old times. When the government declared that California is acting in defiance of United States law, Alabama filed a friend of the defiant brief.

The U.S. extradited a leading cocaine exporter from Colombia Sunday. The bust ended tons of weekly cocaine transshipment. White House called the arrest progress in the War on Drugs, a sideshow in the War on Terror, a resounding victory in the Culture War on Hollywood, and an unfortunate setback in the War on Obesity.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton