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Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2004 / 23 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

Hamilton
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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The New York Post reported rumors Friday that Bill Clinton might be named Mideast peace envoy. It's an extremely dangerous job. To train for the mission he's going to referee the next NBA game between the Detroit Pistons and the Indianapolis Pacers.


The Bill Clinton Presidential Library was reported Friday to be doing a slow tourist and visitor business in Little Rock. There is no mistaking his place in American history. Women consider him the father of the airport security patdown.


Tommy Thompson resigned as Secretary of HHS. He said he can't understand why the terrorists haven't attacked our food supply. As many Americans as there are keeling over from obesity, the terrorists don't see any reason to tamper with success.


Don Rumsfeld was asked to stay at his post Monday, joining Dick Cheney as the only survivors from the first term. It's hilarious. The only men retained by the president who was elected for his moral values are the men trained by Richard Nixon.


The Pentagon revealed Friday that China launched a nuclear submarine capable of firing intercontinental ballistic missiles into the United States. In case of attack, take cover inside a Wal-Mart. China would never bomb their best customer.


Princess Diana accuses the palace of bumping off her favorite lover in newly-surfaced tapes on NBC tonight. Her taste in men varied. Princess Diana once went to a bar in Houston, and before she left she gave the mechanical bull her phone number.


John Kerry joined a lawsuit Thursday seeking a recount in Ohio. He's getting a high percentage of votes from previously uncounted provisional ballots. He's gaining so much ground that Hillary Clinton's hair has begun falling out in clumps.


New York Yankee Jason Giambi was revealed Wednesday to have told a grand jury he took steroids. The drug makes you bigger and stronger and hyper-aggressive. It makes you wonder if President Bush swiped anything from the locker room when he owned the Texas Rangers.


Sotheby's sold the bat Babe Ruth used to hit his first homer in Yankee Stadium. He was a role model for today. Babe Ruth would have flunked every test they gave him for banned substances when you remember he hit his home runs during Prohibition.


The University of Oklahoma banned alcohol Wednesday at all fraternity houses and dormitories. It threatens the school's number-one ranking. No beer on campus could put Oklahoma at risk of losing its status as a certified Betty Ford pre-school.


Powerball winner Jack Whittaker of West Virginia was arrested driving drunk Monday. The former deacon tours strip bars since he won three hundred million. Democrats can take heart in the fact that moral values are no match for human nature.


John Kerry joined a lawsuit Thursday seeking a recount in Ohio. He's getting a high percentage of votes from previously uncounted provisional ballots. He's gaining so much ground that Hillary Clinton's hair has begun falling out in clumps.


Princess Diana alleged on newly-found tapes played on NBC Monday that the palace bumped off one of her favorite lovers. They included a palace guard and a Royal Marine and a cavalry officer. Over the years only Bob Hope entertained more troops than she did.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton