|
Jewish World Review Dec. 6, 2004 / 23 Kislev, 5765
Argus Hamilton
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com |
The New York Post reported rumors Friday that Bill Clinton
might be named Mideast peace envoy. It's an extremely dangerous
job. To train for the mission he's going to referee the next NBA
game between the Detroit Pistons and the Indianapolis Pacers.
The Bill Clinton Presidential Library was reported Friday to
be doing a slow tourist and visitor business in Little Rock. There
is no mistaking his place in American history. Women consider him
the father of the airport security patdown.
Tommy Thompson resigned as Secretary of HHS. He said he
can't understand why the terrorists haven't attacked our food
supply. As many Americans as there are keeling over from obesity,
the terrorists don't see any reason to tamper with success.
Don Rumsfeld was asked to stay at his post Monday, joining
Dick Cheney as the only survivors from the first term. It's
hilarious. The only men retained by the president who was elected
for his moral values are the men trained by Richard Nixon.
The Pentagon revealed Friday that China launched a nuclear
submarine capable of firing intercontinental ballistic missiles
into the United States. In case of attack, take cover inside a
Wal-Mart. China would never bomb their best customer.
Princess Diana accuses the palace of bumping off her
favorite lover in newly-surfaced tapes on NBC tonight. Her taste
in men varied. Princess Diana once went to a bar in Houston, and
before she left she gave the mechanical bull her phone number.
John Kerry joined a lawsuit Thursday seeking a recount in
Ohio. He's getting a high percentage of votes from previously
uncounted provisional ballots. He's gaining so much ground that
Hillary Clinton's hair has begun falling out in clumps.
New York Yankee Jason Giambi was revealed Wednesday to have
told a grand jury he took steroids. The drug makes you bigger and
stronger and hyper-aggressive. It makes you wonder if President Bush
swiped anything from the locker room when he owned the Texas Rangers.
Sotheby's sold the bat Babe Ruth used to hit his first homer
in Yankee Stadium. He was a role model for today. Babe Ruth would
have flunked every test they gave him for banned substances when
you remember he hit his home runs during Prohibition.
The University of Oklahoma banned alcohol Wednesday at all
fraternity houses and dormitories. It threatens the school's
number-one ranking. No beer on campus could put Oklahoma at risk
of losing its status as a certified Betty Ford pre-school.
Powerball winner Jack Whittaker of West Virginia was
arrested driving drunk Monday. The former deacon tours strip bars
since he won three hundred million. Democrats can take heart in
the fact that moral values are no match for human nature.
John Kerry joined a lawsuit Thursday seeking a recount in
Ohio. He's getting a high percentage of votes from previously
uncounted provisional ballots. He's gaining so much ground that
Hillary Clinton's hair has begun falling out in clumps.
Princess Diana alleged on newly-found tapes played on NBC
Monday that the palace bumped off one of her favorite lovers. They
included a palace guard and a Royal Marine and a cavalry officer.
Over the years only Bob Hope entertained more troops than she did.
Appreciate this writer's work? Why not sign-up for JWR's daily update. It's free. Just click here.
|