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Jewish World Review Dec. 2, 2004 / 19 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Caroline Kennedy said Tuesday she will auction hundreds of family items from Kennedy weekend homes in February. It recalls a golden age. There was a time in this country when Democrats could go to confession and that would be the end of it.

Michael Moore appeared on the Tonight Show Tuesday with his beard shaved off and his hair neatly trimmed. He wore a blue suit and no baseball cap. So many people have blamed him for John Kerry's defeat he's entered the witness protection program.

Prince Charles asked Friday in a memo to his staff why some people insist on trying to rise above their station in life. This is why we need kings. In one honest moment he represented the feeling of every Oklahoma and USC fan in the world.

President Bush promised Canada he would end the U.S. ban on Canadian cattle imports. The reduced U.S. beef supply has steaks at twenty dollars apiece in L.A. grocery stores. Bankruptcies have increased twenty percent due to the popularity of the Atkins Diet.

Tom Ridge resigned as Homeland Security Secretary Tuesday. He is the seventh cabinet member to go down and Tommy Thompson is rumored to be next. This is the point in the Agatha Christie novel where Hercule Poirot gathers everybody in the library.

Kweisi Mfume resigned as head of the NAACP Tuesday. His misguided assertions linking the Confederate flag to racism put off the NASCAR crowd and killed the Democratic Party in the South. Wal-Mart should pay him under the table to work for Sears.

Tammy Faye Bakker revealed her latest health miracle to Larry King Tuesday in Los Angeles. This town has no tolerance for her sad tales. Tammy Faye was kicked out of the Polo Lounge yesterday afternoon because they wanted to start Happy Hour.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton