Argus Hamilton
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Mad Cow sent shock waves through the cattle industry on
Friday with plunging prices and consumer panic. And it's all
because a single cow tested positive for Mad Cow disease. One cow
hasn't caused this much trouble since the impeachment.
San Francisco will hold its annual New Year's Eve street
party Wednesday. The locals plan for weeks to devise the kinky
leather-and-chains outfits they wear. Homeland Security heard the
chatter and raised the threat level to Clockwork Orange.
Lenny Bruce got a posthumous pardon for his obscenity
conviction forty years ago in New York. He was a great comic who
was way too dirty for his time. Bobby Knight used to listen to his
albums like the dog sitting in front of the RCA Victor.
Air France canceled flights to Los Angeles due to fears that
al-Qaeda would hijack the planes and crash them into Las Vegas. It
can't be true. No one ever thought terrorists would attack a Mafia
shrine, if only out of professional courtesy.
Homeland Security put air sensors in Las Vegas to detect
signs of biological attack Friday. The suspicions are well-
founded. There must be something in the air in Las Vegas because
women just don't act like that anywhere else.
Howard Dean blamed President Bush Friday for the Mad Cow
disease outbreak. He sees an opportunity. Howard Dean went from
Episcopal to Congregationalist over a bicycle path, but if it wins
him any animal rights votes he will happily turn Hindu.
The Agriculture Department said Friday it tests any cow that
looks sick. Yet the test results don't come back until after the
cow has been slaughtered and sold for food. That's like frisking
John Wilkes Booth on the way out of the theater.
Bill Clinton's lawyer Bob Barnett told USA Today the former
president's memoirs will be released in May. He got a lucrative
book deal. Bill Clinton received a $12 million advance minus
whatever he has to pay Warner Brothers to title it The Adventures
of Don Juan.
Jefferson Davis Middle School in Virginia may be renamed as
a formal protest against the Confederate president. Jefferson
Davis won the battle of Buena Vista, which brought California into
the Union. That explains why everyone's so mad at him.
Howard Dean said Thursday he left the Episcopal church when
it refused to donate valuable riverside property for a public
bicycle path. The sport is a passion up there. Vermont is the only
state where cheating husbands get run over by their wives on a Schwinn.
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf survived a second
assassination attempt in two weeks on Thursday. Now it's his turn
in the barrel. The subject has been changed so many times in the
Middle East that Osama bin Laden is now able to buy life insurance.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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