Argus Hamilton
important news ....
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Mad Cow prompted a quarantine of four thousand head of
cattle in Washington state on Tuesday. Not everyone grasps the
dangers. When Los Angeles heard there was an outbreak of Mad Cow,
we just figured Joe Namath tried to kiss Rosie O'Donnell.
Japan canceled orders for U.S. beef one hour after the
Agriculture Department announced the outbreak and identified the
infected herd. It's been an up and down year for the beef
industry. The Atkins Diet giveth and the Mad Cow taketh away.
South Korea was the first nation Tuesday to ban the import
of all beef from the United States after the announcement. It's
largely symbolic. Nothing would curtail South Korea's meat imports
unless there was an outbreak of Mad Dog disease.
Homeland Security raised the terror threat level on Sunday
and issued public safety instructions right away. Hollywood knows
the drill. Whenever the nation goes to Code Orange, George
Hamilton switches immediately to a brighter face bronzer.
California was struck by an earthquake felt from San
Francisco to Los Angeles Monday. It gave many people a reason to
be grateful. The other forty-nine states might not be the
Entertainment Capital of the World but at least they're stationary.
The High Court in Canada on Tuesday ruled marijuana
possession illegal. The harmful side effects of pot smoking are
well-known. However, it isn't necessary for U.S. politicians to
refer to the onset of the munchies as the attacks of 7-Eleven.
President Bush soared in job approval ratings Friday based
upon good holiday news. The economy roared back to life and Saddam
Hussein was captured. Howard Dean was last seen sitting on Santa's
lap asking him for a new issue for Christmas.
President Bush raised conservative eyebrows in America
Tuesday as he praised Moammar Khadafi's government in Tripoli and
welcomed Libya to the community of nations. There's plenty of
room. They can have our seat since we're not using it.
Saddam Hussein learned Tuesday that six hundred lawyers from
Jordan have asked to take his case. It could be a disaster. If one
ambulance drives by during the trial the stampede from the
courtroom will look like the attack scene from Lawrence of Arabia.
New York Governor George Pataki gave Lenny Bruce a
posthumous pardon Tuesday for his conviction forty years ago for
obscenity onstage. How restrictive was the law back then? The
judge tacked on another sixty days when the comic swore he was innocent.
Dennis Kucinich promised Iowans he will create a Department
of Peace. Meanwhile, voters learned that Wesley Clark issued an
unobeyed order to attack Russian troops in Kosovo and that Howard
Dean changed religions over a bicycle path. Maybe Democrats never
heard that a Fourth Wise Man was turned away at the manger for
bringing fruitcake.
Bobby Knight let out an expletive-laced tirade during an
interview Saturday before a Texas Tech game. His temper is
legendary. When Bobby Knight began his coaching career forty years
ago at Army, three of his players went to Vietnam for some peace
and quiet.
Air France canceled four flights from Paris to Los Angeles
on Christmas Eve just on the rumor that a terrorist might board
the plane. Once again, France has surrendered without a shot being
fired. Lufthansa flies to Los Angeles with the doors open.
John Kerry mortgaged his townhouse for six million dollars
to stay in the Democratic race Tuesday. His income is one hundred
forty-four thousand dollars a year, but his mortgage payments are
two hundred thousand dollars a year. He still thinks he's spending
our money.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements,
please click here.