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Jewish World Review Dec. 15, 2003 / 20 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Howard Dean was attacked by rival Democrats Friday in New Hampshire and Iowa over his temperament. He does have a reputation for being a bit smug and self-centered. Howard Dean once won a trip for two to Paris and he went by himself twice.

Hispanic protesters in Los Angeles Friday destroyed a giant pinata of Arnold Schwarzenegger. They don't like him because he repealed driver's licenses for illegal aliens. Accusations by nine women also expose him to be a nonunion grapefruit picker.

Hispanics in California stayed home from work Friday to protest anti-immigrant laws. If they would just stay home, the Border Patrol wouldn't have to guard the southern border for illegal drugs. They could be guarding the northern border for prescription drugs.

The White House confirmed Friday that it's considering an immigration policy overhaul that might include full amnesty for illegal aliens. It's baffling. Did someone bet President Bush a million dollars there's no way he could ever lose Texas?

The Healthy Forest Initiative was signed into law by the president last week and applauded by nature lovers and loggers alike. The idea is to get rid of the deadwood. Until now, nobody had any idea that the trees had civil service protection.

House Speaker Denny Hastert was on hand to light the Capitol Christmas Tree in Washington Thursday. Christmas is when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Congress is when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.

John Kerry on Thursday released a list of all the contradictory statements made by Howard Dean. He said Republicans would use this list to destroy him. If John Kerry were any more jealous of Howard Dean he could be nominated by the Green Party.

Jimmy Carter slammed Democrat Senator Zell Miller of Georgia Thursday, saying he betrayed his party. He endorses President Bush's re-election and votes GOP. When Zell Miller's cell phone rings, the beeper plays the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

The Navy fired an interceptor missile Friday and knocked an incoming missile out of the sky. Not everyone is happy with the successful test. It may protect America from attack but Dr. Phil says a missile shield can be a barrier to intimacy.

Prince Charles in a ceremony at Buckingham Palace on Friday knighted legendary Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. The rock group's fans have been loyal for over forty-two years of tours. Each concert now includes two encores and three naps.

Robin Williams made a triumphant return to the Comedy Store on Tuesday night in West Hollywood. The line of people trying to get into the club extended two blocks from the marquee. He was an absolute genius to change his name to Flu Shots.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton