Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 2003 / 13 Kislev, 5764
important news ....
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Tiger Woods while in South Africa proposed marriage to his girlfriend Elin Nordgeren, and she accepted. The world's greatest golfer landed a Swedish supermodel. It can't be said often enough that beer commercials really do come true.
The Wal-Mart shopper trampled last week in Florida was exposed Friday to have filed many slip-and-fall claims. Her story was hard to believe. Ever since Immigration arrested all of Wal- Mart's janitors, the floors are a lot stickier than they used to be.
The Centers for Disease Control warned of a spreading flu epidemic Friday. No one has yet begun wearing surgical masks over their faces while out in public. Most people would rather die than appear to be showing support for Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson's family began playing the race card Tuesday, wondering aloud whether he can get a fair trial in Santa Barbara. They couldn't be more wrong. It's just paranoid to think that a white guy can't get a fair trial in Santa Barbara.
Hillary Clinton was invited onto all three network Sunday talk shows to give her views on foreign policy. Not only that, her book was just nominated for a Grammy Award. Every so often the Divine likes to show Republicans how to really make Bill Clinton suffer.
Bill Clinton, it was announced in Hollywood Thursday, was one of the nominees for a Grammy Award. It's for a narration he did with Mikhail Gorbachev of the symphony Peter and the Wolf. It goes without saying that Mr. Gorbachev played Peter.
Joe Lieberman tried to do stand-up comedy before other comedians at the Alan King Awards Thursday honoring Mort Sahl. It didn't go well. Joe Lieberman was once asked to leave a mental hospital because he was depressing the other patients.
Howard Dean surged to a gigantic lead Friday in the New Hampshire poll among Democrat candidates. He combines undisguised haughtiness with the common touch. The nightmare scenario for Republicans is an Episcopalian who's a man of the people.
Charles Barkley lost eight million dollars playing blackjack in Las Vegas on Monday. Eyewitnesses were amazed. It was incredible enough to see Charles Barkley lose an arm and a leg but then the white tigers at The Mirage held a press conference to say they didn't do it.
John Kerry launched ads touting his support for the environment Monday. It's a starting point. If John Kerry can hear what the voters are saying to him, he will join the Sierra Club in order to enjoy its ten percent discount on hiking boots.
Howard Dean soared to a thirty point lead over John Kerry in Thursday's poll in New Hampshire. Still it's no guarantee he will get the nomination. Political forecasting has one essential function, which is to make astrology look respectable.
Joe Lieberman said Wednesday he wants a crackdown on junk food and fast food and federal regulation of school candy machines. He doesn't know what he's saying. Childhood obesity may be the only thing keeping most kids safe from Michael Jackson.
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