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Jewish World Review Dec. 1, 2003 / 6 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Bad Santa is a hit comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as someone who becomes a shopping mall Santa Claus so he can rob the department stores that hire him. A lot of people are very upset. Winona Ryder auditioned for the role and didn't get it.

New York Giants former star Lawrence Taylor told CBS 60 Minutes Sunday night he used to send hookers to opponents' hotel rooms the night before games. Why do people complain about prostitution? It's the only industry that isn't going overseas.

President Bush raised two million dollars at a Las Vegas event Tuesday. What a week. Not only did he see the troops and push the drug bill through, George Bush became the first man in U.S. history to leave Las Vegas with two million dollars.

Wal-Mart was the scene of a human trampling in Florida Friday several minutes after the doors opened. A woman was found barely alive beneath a pile of shoppers clutching a twenty dollar DVD player. Democrats claim it's proof that tax cuts kill.

The Los Angeles Times says British billionaire Richard Branson may establish Virgin USA as a low-cost airline with Los Angeles as its headquarters. It won't last. One weekend in Los Angeles and they would have to rename it Paris Hilton USA.

Paris Hilton is refusing to promote her Fox TV reality show called The Simple Life. The blond heiress lived on an Arkansas farm for a month after her Internet sex video came out. A traveling salesman would have no idea where to make his entrance in this joke.

Glen Campbell apologized Wednesday for driving drunk and leaving the scene of an accident and kneeing a cop in the groin. He's at a personal crossroads now. An alcoholic would give up drinking but a country music singer would give up driving.

Arnold Schwarzenegger refused an offer Monday to be Grand Marshal of tonight's Hollywood Christmas Parade sponsored by StoveTop Stuffing. It would have been a dream booking. Only StoveTop has been in more turkeys than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Thursday had gay activist Harvey Fierstein dressed as Mrs. Santa Claus. He said this year Santa Claus is half of a same-sex couple. Macy's is just grateful the elves were able to escape from Neverland in time for the parade.

Jermaine Jackson defended his brother Michael Jackson Wednesday and compared the singer to Jesus and Leonardo da Vinci and Martin Luther King and Mahatma Gandhi. Where on earth is his sense of proportion? He forgot Roman Polanski.

The U.S. Senate passed Medicare prescription medicine coverage last week. It's really no surprise. Somehow you knew that once baby boomers took over the U.S. government it was just a matter of time before free drugs were the law of the land.

The New Hampshire filing deadline passed without Hillary Clinton registering as a candidate for U.S. president. It must be giving her husband nightmares. The last time Hillary Rodham Clinton ran for the Oval Office she had a lamp in her hand.

Al Sharpton said Tuesday he will speak in prime time at the Democratic Convention, in the parking lot if he must. He plans to dare the networks not to cover it. Fortunately for him the convention coincides with Race Baiter Week on Biography.

Los Angeles County warned its technology suppliers to stop labeling computer hard drives Master and Slave to designate their network relationship. They say it's just not right. If the downloaded music is free, the hard drives should be free.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton