Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

USA Today reminded Americans that today we will be celebrating the 400th anniversary of the first Thanksgiving dinner. So I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving the old fashioned way. I plan to invite all my neighbors over to my place for a great big feast, and then kill them and take their land.

• Thanksgiving Week is a popular time for tourists to visit Salem, Massachusetts, and witness the stage production of the Salem Witch Trials. Some of the witch incantations really work. If you repeat the words White Privilege as you rub sun block on your body, you'll wake up in a Whole Foods.

• The White House Rose Garden was the site Wednesday for the president's annual pardoning of two turkeys who had been slated for the axe and dinner table. The two turkeys whose lives get pardoned are chosen by merit. They're the only two turkeys who bought paintings from Hunter Biden.

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• President Biden flew to Nantucket Island to celebrate Thanksgiving with the co-founder of the Carlyle Group. Founding partners included the Bush family and Osama bin Laden's brother. I don't want to call it a crime family, but the pool boy's name is Rico and he has a sister named Bunko.

• The U.S. Postal Service reports a Thanksgiving week shortage of postal workers, causing delays as well as agonizing waits for service at post offices. This week in Los Angeles a woman gave birth to a baby while standing in line at the post office. She was six months pregnant when she first got in line.

• President Biden tried to give Americans Thanksgiving relief Tuesday by releasing fifty million barrels of oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. And that's not easy for a Democrat. To mollify the left wing of his party's abhorrence of incarceration Biden released the oil on its own recognizance.

• Thanksgiving Day celebrations include the reading of the first Pilgrims' feast they shared with the local Native tribe. It's a touchy subject. One way to show respect at the Thanksgiving table is to discuss Indian lore, for instance, always hit on sixteen or under if the dealer is showing a face card.

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