Saturday

December 14th, 2019

Insight

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man: Open the bar before noon, and make sure to get video of the family fight

John Kass

By John Kass

Published Nov. 28, 2019

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man has been busy becoming woke and preparing for the holiday by decolonizing himself to strip away all those nasty "European" influences before the feast. But he did make time to help you with all your Thanksgiving social and culinary needs.

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, is it justifiable homicide if you kill the guest that you catch hiding in the kitchen, stealing turkey skin? Asking for a friend. Donalee Westler.

I have no mercy for turkey skin thieves. But best you make it look like a "kitchen accident" involving lime Jell-O with those floating fruit chunks.

How do you prove that your turkey was murdered when everyone is saying it took its own life? Peggy Meskin Zabicki.

C'mon Peggy! Everyone knows that #turkeydidn'tkillhimself.

Why would Liberals even celebrate Thanksgiving? It's symbolic of both America's Judeo-Christian theocratic founding and its inherent oppression of Native American migrants. Eugene Geekie.

Don't be rude. The left likes Thanksgiving too, although some forget who they're supposed to thank. But politics has no home at the Thanksgiving table. Don't mock Impeachment Theater until everyone is good and drunk and holding sharp forks. If you feel your guests may find traditional fare too "colonially offensive," then serve Elizabeth Warren's authentic Cherokee dish: cold omelets with crabmeat, from her recipe in "Pow Wow Chow."

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, do you prefer carving ahead of time with a nice display on a platter, or carving at the table "al fresco" style? Brian Kuhn.


I'd rather carve al fresco, which I hope means "wearing clothing." But carving at the table also requires a platter. And platters should be reserved for the pre-meal Thanksgiving ritual, "The Presentation of The Bongs."

Before digging into Thanksgiving dinner, a family I know goes around the table and says what they're thankful for. One of the senior members is always tempted to give thanks he was not given any federal jail time during the past year, and that none of the bodies (metaphorically speaking) have been accidentally dug up. But he's worried how the grandchildren might react. What's your opinion Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man? Should he say how he really feels or mouth the usual platitudes? Asking for a friend. Ray S.

Tell the kids the truth Ray. No one else will. Then have them call the feds.

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, my cousin is going to bring fried okra. He's also going to bring a really good pie. Would it be too rude to make him keep the okra on a card table in the garage while we eat the pie in the living room? Mike Hartley

Eat the pie and keep the barbarian in the garage where he belongs. Fried okra? You know what fried okra looks like? I can't even type a description without gagging.

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, if we get a different president by next Thanksgiving who wants us to "eat the rich" will you still be the go-to-guy on how to cook 'em? Grant Davies.

Of course, I'll be the go-to guy. We'll make a nice soup of the heads once AOC lops them off for us. And we'll braise a few hedge fund kings. But the rich are tough to cook, and difficult to catch. They're not like the middle class, which sits patiently without complaint, like frogs in a kettle of cold water, and stays there passively through the boil.

Dear Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man: Now that (U.S. Rep.) Mike Quigley has become a celebrity liberal spokesperson, is it OK to invite him over for holiday dinner? I promise that this year he can sit at the "big kids table." Tom Winike.

No, have Quigley sit outside on a cold lawn chair. As your guests leave, they can tell him about the tasty meal. Says reader Dave Drown, "This hearsay would be much better than him evidencing it himself."

Do you have a good deer, moose, grouse or bear recipe Mr. (Thanksgiving) Answer Man? Peter V. Bella.

Just use plenty of lemon, garlic and oregano. And drink good whiskey.

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, how many cocktails for obnoxious uncles before dinner? How many for small children? Is it OK to let them sleep through the meal, thus eliminating the children's table and the (uncles) political blathering? Lori Trentanelli.

As an obnoxious uncle myself, I expect many cocktails with a generous pour. And when primed, I'll sing the name of "the so-called whistleblower" and a bawdy limerick comparing Adam Schiff to Robespierre. As for the little ones, our parents used to let us pluck the maraschino cherries from the Manhattans. Try it, that should calm them.

Dear Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man, what is the proper response when your host does/doesn't have the television on during the Bears-Lions game? Alcohol accompanying the 11:30 a.m. start could lead to many unintended consequences later in the day. Gary Radville.

Thanksgiving without football? What are we, commies? And drinking should begin by 11 a.m., because there's nothing like a big family fight later, with the kids screaming and everyone in the driveway throwing punches, with much hair grabbing and heavy breathing, and your sister-in-law weeping as she calls 911. That's how families make lasting holiday memories. Don't forget to video the whole thing.

Mr. Thanksgiving Advice Man has one more thing to say: Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune who also hosts a radio show on WLS-AM.

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