Further additions to Tiffany's Everyday Objects line

Fancy jewelry purveyor Tiffany has come out with a line of whimsical Everyday Objects, including such objects as a "tin can" ($1,000, sterling silver and vermeil), paper cup (in sterling silver), ball of yarn ($9,000; it is a paperweight), yo-yo and pillbox.

Is it possible to make fun of a collection that even Marie Antoinette might think was tone-deaf to purchase? I am not sure. Maybe, from a luxury brand perspective, the best satire is just to be yourself. This is the only tin can some Tiffany's customers have ever seen. I hope they will consider the following additions.

• Cracked cell phone. Constructed of walnut and Amazonite. ($1,000)

• Cockroach. Sterling silver, with realistic movement and rechargeable batteries. ($800)

• Utility bill. Printed on hand-made artisanal paper. Overdue. ($250)

• Bic pen. ($95)

• Bus Seat. Life-size, mounted and embossed. Scented. Walnut and sterling silver ($85,000.)

• Subway Pole. A pole touched by no hands - but yours. Amazonite. ($95,000)

• Pill Bottle Filled With Someone Else's Costly, Lifesaving Medication, Sealed And Coated In Silver. Fun touch for a guest-room or surprise for a medicine cabinet. Ecru or gold. ($9,500, for white gold add $500)

• Medical bill of someone without health insurance. Custom-made, add any name you want. Great birthday surprise. ($600)

• Sound landscape. Treat yourself with this recording of a loud disagreement and sensual rapprochement happening in the apartment next door, performed by two Tony winners, with the accompaniment of a dripping faucet and dog barking somewhere in the distance. One hour. ($3,000)

• Eviction notice. Calligraphed on card-stock. A whimsical touch for any apartment. ($500)

• McDonald's wrapper. Hand-crumpled, then frosted with silver. ($100)

• Takeout container. Sterling silver. ($350)*

*Never mind. This was on the list already. I give up.

Previously:

• 09/18/17 Some reviews of the first line of the first chapter of Hillary's 'What Happened'
• 08/22/17 Great American Eclipse: Winners and Losers
• 08/15/17 I am sorry for killing everything: A millennial's confession
• 08/07/17 I am not running for president; I just want to meet every cow and Iowan
• 01/31/17 All the Mooch that's fit to print
• 04/16/17 Sean Spicer would like to clarify his clarification of his clarification
• 03/06/17 The world's most forgettable man
• 12/14/16 Beyond Pizzagate: These are the real conspiracies
• 08/29/16 A transcript of Hillary's disastrous debate prep
• 08/15/16 Hillary Clinton's late-night panic
• 08/01/16 What Hillary really meant to say on her historic night
• 07/18/16 Pokemon Go, an honest review
• 06/27/16 Keep calm and --- what the heck just happened?
• 06/09/16 Hillary Clinton's victory speech, translated
• 06/01/16 Why isn't Hillary fun and trustworthy?
• 05/22/16 Games people rig, by Bernie Sanders
• 05/16/16: What really happened at the Trump-Ryan meeting
• 03/28/16: I, Cthulhu, endorse Donald Trump
• 03/21/16: Yes, I love puns. Stop saying it's a disease
• 03/14/16: Donald Trump's Gettysburg Infomercial
• 03/11/16: The Miami debate was Hillary's personal nightmare
• 03/03/16: Chris Christie's wordless screaming
• 02/29/16: But seriously, how do we turn this Donald Trump thing off?
• 02/19/16: Donald Trump for pope
• 02/15/16: What really happens at a Dem debate
• 02/01/16: Barbie is past saving
• 01/25/16: For the love of all that is holy, save small talk
• 01/20/16: Sean Penn meets the Almighty
• 01/05/16: 'Said' is not dead. Save boring words!