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Jewish World Review Nov. 29, 2004 / 16 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Supreme Court today hears arguments on whether federal or California law applies in prosecution of medical marijuana patients. It's made for strange bedfellows in court. Hollywood hasn't argued for states' rights since Gone With the Wind came out.

Princess Diana is featured on NBC tonight in a new tape in which she accuses the Royals of bumping off a Buckingham Palace guard whom she described as her favorite lover. The ratings should be great. Everybody loves a Desperate Housewife.

Mexico announced a huge oil strike Wednesday that could help stabilize the country's job situation. Their labor pool is highly adaptable. After six episodes of Desperate Housewives, every gardener in Beverly Hills has either been fired or promoted to personal assistant.

The Bill Clinton School for Public Service staff complained about the library opening in Little Rock. They say they didn't get enough attention. The staff hasn't been operating two weeks and already they've captured Bill Clinton's essence.

Iraqi officials asked for a delay in the January election Friday due to the violence. Machine guns cost six dollars on the street there. Iraqis are the only people in the world who emigrate to Detroit for the relative calm of a Pistons game.

New Zealand reported Monday receiving a large number of inquiries from Californians who want to move there since the election. It's a good fit. They play football without helmets in New Zealand so Californians should be able to walk among them unnoticed.

Dan Rather said Tuesday he will step down as CBS Evening News anchorman. His moral values just aren't a good fit for the country. According to the network focus group testing, the man who should be sitting in that chair is Howard Stern.

Pizza Hut successfully fought off an attempt Wednesday to unionize all pizza delivery drivers. Working conditions differ. Domino's in Siberia promises if your pizza isn't delivered to your front door in thirty minutes, they will shoot the dog.

Sen. Fritz Hollings retired Thursday and complained that there are no more drunks left in the U.S. Senate. It used to be a fun place. Teddy Kennedy once visited the Leaning Tower of Pisa and said he didn't see anything unusual about it.

Hillary Clinton last week refused to let her husband do commercials for baby aspirin despite a five million dollar offer. Since when is she in charge? Normally Bill Clinton is able to keep his wife in line, even when the line snakes around the block.

Los Angeles was proposed as the next convention site by Democrats Tuesday. The town can be dark and confusing. When holiday shopping began Friday, thousands of kids were lined up inside the malls waiting for their chance to sit on Satan's lap.

Ukraine erupted in chaos Wednesday after Russia's candidate for president cheated to beat the U.S.-backed candidate. A nuclear superpower showdown could result. Osama bin Laden is boasting to everyone in the cave that if you live right, good things come your way.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton