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Jewish World Review Nov. 24, 2004 / 11 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce said Friday that shoppers and celebrities have returned to Rodeo Drive in droves. You never know who you're going to spot. Last week tourists saw Burt Reynolds in an antique shop, for twelve hundred dollars.

The Bill Clinton Presidential Library opened to the general public on Friday with a ticket price of seven dollars for entry. The business so far is pretty slow. The gift shop hasn't been open for a week and already men's pants are half off.

The Grand Canyon was flooded Sunday to help repair its ecosystem. Scientists say there's value in restoring beaches and plants and wetlands. For starters it will give this generation and future generations of Knievels a softer place to crash.

NBA Commissioner David Stern on Sunday suspended the players who incited the violent and lawless mayhem in Detroit Friday night. Not everyone is upset. Michigan houses the largest population of Iraqis in the United States and for them it was like old home week.

Indiana Pacers star Ron Artest was suspended on Sunday for fighting with fans in Detroit. He clobbered two guys in the stands after they threw a cup at him filled with warm beer and peanut shells. They stole the recipe from an airline chef.

Congress passed a bill Sunday enshrining the nation's first oil well, which was drilled near Pittsburgh a hundred fifty years ago. The well was a gusher. This explains far better than any fifth-grade teacher could why Robert E. Lee invaded Pennsylvania.

Saddam Hussein, it was reported Tuesday, will be tried in Iraq under Iraqi law for capital crimes which may have been committed by subordinates in his name. He could get the death penalty for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.

Skinner auction house in Boston Sunday sold memorabilia from Jack Kennedy's White House physician Janet Travell. She injected daily doses of procaine, speed, painkillers, testosterone and steroids into him. What JFK actually asked Americans in his Inauguration Day speech was to join him on the moon by the end of the decade.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton