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Jewish World Review Nov. 16, 2004 / 3 Kislev, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The NFL Players Union said Saturday it will demand sixty- five percent of all team revenues next contract. The owners are outraged. No one can tell if Jerry Jones's nose is out of joint or if he went to Wal-Mart for his plastic surgery again.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, it was announced Sunday, will be made into a Broadway musical comedy. It's about a sophisticated con man who fleeces rich widows and heiresses. It was a hit movie twice before it was made into a presidential candidate.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said Sunday he would run for president if a constitutional amendment is passed allowing foreign-born people to run. It would be an entertaining presidency. As a German and a womanizer, he is a double threat when it comes to naked aggression.

The Bill Clinton Presidential Library will hold its grand opening in Little Rock on Thursday. It's on the Arkansas River. If tourists want to call ahead for street directions, the library is listed in the telephone book under Escort Services.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said Friday the Democrats must save civilization. It's an old culture war. It began four hundred years ago when Puritans fought the Cavaliers, and it shifted into high gear ten years ago after California freed O.J. for murder and Texas tried to throw Oprah Winfrey in jail for insulting a hamburger.

French drug maker Aventis introduced a pill Sunday that prevents obesity. They say obesity is a disease. It's believed to be transmitted from animals because millions of Americans have caught obesity from fried chicken stored in giant buckets.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton