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Jewish World Review Nov. 9, 2004 / 25 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Bill Clinton said Saturday John Kerry lost the election because the Democrats didn't talk about moral values. What a lot of hogwash. Bill Clinton was elected U.S. president twice and his idea of moral values is remembering to call the next day.

Tiger Woods sued the shipmaker that built his yacht for using his picture in ads without permission. He's a champion golfer, he married a Swedish blonde supermodel and he is about to be awarded a free yacht. It's a shame things didn't work out for him.

Los Angeles was saluted by air quality regulators Friday for its air cleanup efforts. The city still has the nation's highest ground ozone level. On really bad days people in Hollywood will crash their cars just to get a hit off the airbag.

The National Guard was red-faced Thursday after an F-16 strafed a New Jersey middle school. It was engaged in a combat training exercise. The plane would have attacked a New York middle school but the pilot didn't want to risk being shot down.

Arnold Schwarzenegger called Democrats losers Tuesday, a month after he called them a bunch of girlie men. He needs to be more disciplined. Dr. Strangelove was just released on DVD and this is no time for an Austrian to be thinking out loud.

Hillary Clinton emerged as the most favored Democrat after last week's party defeat. She possesses the one quality fifty-one percent of Americans clearly demand in a leader who would direct and protect the United States. She's Protestant.

The Dallas Cowboys got Arlington voters to finance a new stadium. It's half of a two-step plan to restore the team's old swagger and glory. The next step is to convince the Supreme Court that drug tests in the workplace are unconstitution

al. Bill Clinton said Wednesday he is healthy enough to host his library opening in two weeks. He had a bad reaction to heart medicine, causing him a brief spell of memory loss. Five times on the campaign trail last week he forgot he was married.

Ralph Nader was no factor Tuesday after he cost Al Gore the last election in Florida, infuriating Democrats. The consumer advocate first made a national name for himself in the field of auto safety. He hasn't started his own car in four years.

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle lost his seat in South Dakota Tuesday. He conceded late at night. It was tough to face his followers at the post party, but even at the lowest moment of their lives, politicians have the instincts to find the free food.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton