Jewish World Review Nov. 17, 2004 / 4 Kislev, 5765

Michael Graham

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Consumer Reports

The day after tomorrow | 11/03/04, 1:03AM: Ack!! NBC just called Ohio for….BUSH! I can't believe it! This is literally the saddest moment since I started this blog at After the exit polls earlier today, I started emailing the Hitler Youth over at that their reign of fascist terror was over! What happened?!!!

Wait — it's only one network (other than Fox, which I don't count). Maybe NBC is wrong. I'm waiting to hear it from someone I trust: Dan Rather at CBS.

11/03/04, 3:55AM: CBS just called Ohio for Bush. It's over. Screw the upstairs neighbors — I'm cranking some Pearl Jam and swilling a bottle of Jaeger.

11/03/04, 2:25PM: I was just watching Kerry's concession speech. OMG, what a loser. I was screaming at my TV, "Don't concede! Fight! Fight for every vote! What about the provisional ballots? Are you sure Karl Rove didn't steal Ohio, too?" He's such a quitter. No wonder we couldn't beat that idiot Bush. I can't believe the Chimp is going to be president for four more years.

11/03/04, 2:27PM: Holy Crap! I just realized what this means: The DRAFT! I can't be the only twenty-something progressive in the blogosphere. Why aren't we mobilizing? "Bush lies, we die," remember? What are we going to do? I'm trying to figure out if I filled out that Selective Service thingy when I was in high school. Oh, man — I'm so screwed. I'm going to stop answering my snail mail immediately.

I've got two months worth of Ramen noodles and Red Bull in my storage unit. I'm hiding out until the Dean '08 campaign starts

11/03/04, 3:04PM: I just spend half an hour trying to find a flight to Canada, and I've already gotten a dozen postings from readers telling me to calm down. CALM DOWN? Don't you realize the Bush fascists are about to reinstate the draft? Don't you log on to

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I'm also a little peeved with my girlfriend ( because she doesn't think we should leave for Canada, like, right NOW. I mean, the freakin' evangelical goose-steppers are about to stomp into her apartment and take away her birth control pills and she acts like it's no big deal!

LET ME BE CLEAR: This "election" was a coup by the right-wing extremists who are going to put women in prison for getting pregnant out of wedlock and ship every job to some Halliburton-run factory in China. Don't you people get it? Weren't you listening to Kerry and Edwards and everyone else?

Screw you all. I'm packing.

11/04/10:56AM: The Canadian government's website is slammed, but I finally got through this morning. They've posted a bunch of b.s. about how Americans have to fill out paperwork and have a stinkin' job before we can come. Apparently Canadians are just as bigoted towards us as we are towards illeg..I mean "undocumented immigrants" from Mexico. As we all know, secure borders are the first step to a fascist state.

Meanwhile, I've asked a dozen people about going to Canada with me…and everyone's turned me down! I swear, it's like nobody paid attention to what the Democrats said in this campaign except ME!

We're going to have a draft. Gay couples are going to be arrested. President Nazi McChimp is letting terrorists have access to deadly explosives. Hey — he knew about the last "9/11." What makes you think he doesn't know about the next one? After all, he let Osama get away!

But when I asked about going to Toronto with me, he said he couldn't because he just got a great job offer. A JOB? George W. Bush is destroying our jobs and the middle class. Don't believe that crap in the media about 337,000 new jobs being created in October. That's more Karl Rove B.S. This is the WORST ECONOMY SINCE HERBERT HOOVER! G-d, don't you remember anything John Kerry said?

11/10/04 ONE WEEK AFTER "THE COUP": I don't understand. Michael Moore has all but proven that Diebold stole Ohio for Bush using corrupt software, the New York Times put the Evangelical power grab on the front page, we now know that nobody voted for Bush except Bible-thumpers and illiterates — so why aren't we acting? Where are the protests? Where are the strikes?

C'MON PEOPLE — if you add in the non-voters, we are the MAJORITY! Everybody knows what a disaster Bush is. Who cares if the stock market is going up? Who cares if the economy is growing? Who cares if there hasn't been a successful terrorist attack? And just because our military is taking more land and killing more "terrorists" in Iraq doesn't mean we're winning. Why should we think their so-called "election" should be any more honest than ours was?

I'm still hoping for some good news before January 20th — a huge military defeat in Iraq, or a stock market crash or recession, something to keep my hopes up. Then maybe Bush could be recalled or even impeached before he takes office. says I'm a hopeless optimist. Maybe she's right.

11/12/04, 11:34PM: I GIVE UP. I was at my favorite wi-fi coffee shop and some a-hole saw my Re-Defeat Bush sticker (which I will NEVER take off my backpack) and made some snide comment about "How many times do you have to 're-defeat' him before you admit he won?" And everyone LAUGHED. Like Bush winning is a joke?

Was Hitler a joke? Was Mussolini a joke? Was Reagan a joke? I poured my heart and soul into doing something positive and hopeful for this country I love. We're the party of compassion. We're the party of reason. We're the party of inclusion and tolerance.

And if those inbred, red-state, redneck Wal-Mart Jesus Freaks don't like it, they can …

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JWR contributor Michael Graham is a talk show host and author of the highly acclaimed "Redneck Nation: How the South Really Won the War." To comment, please click here.



© 2004, Michael Graham