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Jewish World Review Nov. 25, 2003 /30 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Supreme Court agreed to rule whether the Pledge of Allegiance can mention the Divine. That's not the problem. As long as teachers keep telling kids that the Divine isn't black or white or a man or a woman, kids are going to keep thinking he's Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson vowed Friday to fight charges of lewd contact filed against him in Santa Barbara. It doesn't look good. He insists he would never hurt a child no matter how much his mug shot looks like a publicity still from Mommie Dearest.

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue asked ESPN to cancel its hit drama Playmakers, about a fictional NFL team. The show is way too accurate. Not only are the players involved in spousal battery, cocaine smoking, adultery, homosexuality and steroid use, but the first downs are measured by real chain gangs.

Simon & Garfunkel performed their reunion tour show to sold- out crowds in Los Angeles last week. The concert scene has really changed. You can still get drugs in the backstage dressing room, only now there is a twenty-five percent co-pay.

President Bush urged Senate passage of the Medicare prescription drug bill Saturday. It would saddle him with a huge entitlement program on top of an unpopular war. We knew September 11th changed everything, and we just found out that it changed President Bush into Lyndon Johnson.

Al Gore warned an investor forum Friday that China may outrace the United States to the invention of more fuel-efficient cars. He cited details ad infinitum. The way to make Al Gore snap is to tie him in a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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