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Jewish World Review Nov. 3, 2003 /8 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Arnold Schwarzenegger held a joint press conference with Gray Davis Friday. What a missed opportunity. If voters had known that two weeks after the recall the state would look like a landscape of the moon we could have elected Jerry Brown.

California fires were doused by the arrival of winter rains Friday. Now it's time for the mudslides. Forget Congressional elections, the most exciting house races in America start at the top of Malibu Canyon and end on Pacific Coast Highway.

Hillary Clinton agreed to emcee the Iowa Democratic dinner November 15th and the event sold out. She's leading all Democrats in the presidential polls by a huge margin. Most women who want to make their husbands jealous just have an affair.

John Kerry attacked President Bush in new campaign commercials in Iowa last week. You can't make it up. The guy who shares a bed every night with the heiress to the Heinz Ketchup fortune said President Bush is too cozy with big business.

Howard Dean was ripped by Al Sharpton for having what the Harlem gadfly says is an anti-black agenda. There's no agenda. Vermont's idea of a race problem is when an unforeseen doldrum causes the regatta to stall in the middle of Lake Ontario.

Saudi Arabia is prepared for the annual pilgrimage of millions of Muslims to Mecca for Ramadan. The logistics are staggering. It's almost as bad as what Hope, Arkansas, goes through each year when the comedians arrive for Bill Clinton's birthday.

Australian archaeologists said Friday the 5,200-year-old ice man found inside an Alpine glacier lived all his life in northern Italy. You shouldn't extrapolate too much from limited information. Five thousand years from now, archaeologists digging through Scottsdale will think that Ted Williams must have insulted the king.

The Weather Channel said huge solar storms were hurled at the earth Thursday by the sun. It was a dangerous day. Los Angeles was saved from burning like a dried leaf when George Hamilton volunteered to absorb the lion's share of the rays.

Wesley Clark said the White House is hiding its responsibility for September 11th attacks. He himself ordered an attack on the Russian Army in Kosovo but no one would obey him. If Wesley Clark were one of the Spice Girls, he would be Nutmeg.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton