Jewish World Review Nov. 14, 2002 / 9 Kislev, 5763

Zev Chafets

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The Dems don't have a prayer | On the Sixth Day of November, the Deity of the Democrats, the god of Roosevelt, Truman and JFK, looked down upon the land of the free and said, "Yech!"

And so the L-rd summoned His celestial consultant, His pundit and the divine pollster, who knows the hearts of all creatures, and said: "I have bestowed upon My party great bounty - telegenic candidates and water-parting issues, wealthy trial lawyers and Terry McAuliffe - and behold! They have blown a midterm election to a sitting Republican President. Gather ye together and bring forth a savior."

And so they met in solemn conclave. And the consultant said, "Our hero must be young."

"But diplomatic and well-spoken, so he doesn't turn off the baby boomers," said the pundit.

"Handsome, but not too macho," said the pollster. "A figure who appeals to the female demographic."

"And smart. An Ivy League graduate," said the pundit. "This is the Democratic Party, after all."

"An Ivy League graduate from the South. We haven't elected a Yankee since JFK," said the consultant.

"Verily," said the pollster. "A smart, young, good-looking, soft-spoken Southerner, moderate yet progressive. I know just the man."

"Let me guess," said the pundit. "Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina."

The consultant yawned, and the pollster said, "Our savior must not look like a local anchorman. He must be new, different. Someone like ... Rep. Harold Ford Jr."

"He's black," observed the pundit.

"Exactly," said the pollster. "Black but not too black. Like Bill Clinton. Someone who can help win the cities without scaring the suburbs."

"Energize the base!" said the consultant. "Make Hollywood feel virtuous."

"And keep the Black Caucus calm while we move the party to the Norm Coleman center," said the pundit. "I see it all now."

And so the three wise men came unto the L-rd and said, "The Democratic Party has a Ford in its future!"

And the L-rd was puzzled. "Ford? He's older than Frank Lautenberg. Besides, isn't he a Republican?"

"Not Gerald. Harold," said the pollster. Then said the L-rd, "The suggestion finds favor in my eyes. Enter the man in the New Hampshire primary."

There was a mighty clearing of throats. "Unfortunately, Congressman Ford is only 32 years old," said the pollster. "You must be 35 to run for President."

"What is a birth certificate to the creator of the firmament?" exclaimed the pundit. "What the L-rd has done for the Little Leaguers of Harlem He can do for His anointed candidate."

"I have a better idea," said the consultant. "Tomorrow, the House Democrats in Washington elect a leader. Ford would be perfect. He would become the new face of the party."

The L-rd frowned. "Sorry," He said, "but it is ordained that Rep. Nancy Pelosi will be chosen."

The pollster slapped his head. "Nancy Pelosi of San Francisco? She's Ralph Nader in a pantsuit. She'll kill us in 2004."

"Yes," said the L-rd. "That, too, is ordained."

"Oh, L-rd, we beseech Thee," cried the wise men. "Deliver us from the Pelosifiers at the gate."

And the god of Roosevelt, Truman and JFK sadly shook His head. For He was also the god of McGovern, Dukakis and Gore, and He knew, from personal experience, that sometimes even divine intervention can't save the Democratic Party from itself.

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JWR contributor Zev Chafets is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.

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