Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

Daily Variety reports a leap in viewer ratings for NFL games this fall on NBC, CBS, Fox and ESPN, games which spotlight the great athletes we all want to emulate. You know how they'll throw the ball into the stands after they win the game? Well, that's not allowed in bowling, I know that now.

• The National Retail Federation last week reported that Americans will spend a record ten billion dollars on Halloween decorations, candy and costumes this year. Last Saturday night I won the first prize for scariest costume at a Halloween party. I came dressed as an iPhone with 2% power left in it.

• News Corp. announced plans to expand Fox broadcast operations and add additional channels to the cable TV menu. For starters, Fox News is launching a weather channel. The Fox Weather forecaster will spend all day pointing at the map and showing that all bad weather comes from the left.

• Forbes magazine reported that Fox News crushed its cable news competition in third quarter TV ratings. All year long, the liberal-leaning cable TV channels have had their hands full papering over bad news. Over the weekend CNN reported that Alec Baldwin's career has been mostly peaceful.

• Alec Baldwin fired a prop gun on the set Friday and the discharge killed the cinematographer as she stood behind the camera. He's in all kinds of trouble now. If I have to be the only comedian to say a word in Alec Baldwin's defense, I'd like to point out that he TOLD her not to park in his spot.

• The L.A. Times reports Alec Baldwin was told by the film crew that handed the gun to Baldwin on the set that the gun it was safe when in fact, it was loaded. His punishment will be viewed by all. For the upcoming season of Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin will be played by Donald Trump.

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• Alec Baldwin issued a statement Friday saying he is heartbroken after he accidentally shot and killed his cinematographer and wounded his director. In his heart, Alec is a highly sensitive writer. He wrote two books, a one-man show and the word whore on his ex-wife's windshield.

• The Virginia governor's race was a dead heat Friday, prompting former President Obama to come to Richmond and urge a crowd of Democrats to vote. He has aged quite a bit since leaving office. If Barack Obama's hair was any whiter, it would be in the crowd chanting Let's Go Brandon!

• The Stamford Advocate reported that the White House is becoming increasingly worried about the spread of vulgar chants against Biden in stadium crowds across the country. Democrats fear that Joe is too feeble to bring about any real change in America. It's exactly what could get him re-elected.

• Senate Democrats proposed a new tax on the increased value of a stock. As it is now, you'd have to sell your stock first, and then pay capital gains, but this would tax you just for owning stock. This tax on stock holdings was bound to happen once lawmakers were banned from insider trading.

• The Wall Street Journal says the supply chain backup could delay gift buying for the holidays as inflation rages, border chaos reigns, and China unveils a hypersonic ICBM. In Los Angeles, William Shatner is being praised for his bravery. Not for going into outer space, but for coming back.

• The Miami Herald reports the remains of bride killer Brian Laundrie were found in a remote swamp preserve in Florida. The FBI was unable to find the remains until after the water receded. I only hope that the alligator was able to make a nice pair of shoes for himself out of Brian Laundrie.

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