Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The National Retail Federation says logjams at U.S. ports are causing panic buying of holiday shopping items like home electronics. I just helped my neighbor hang a seventy-five inch flat screen he bought from a crack head for just forty dollars. When he turned it on, it was the menu from KFC.

• Elon Musk reported at the annual Tesla shareholders meeting that Tesla has officially moved its company headquarters from Palo Alto to Austin, Texas. Last week my buddy's brand-new Tesla Model X just up and left him. Apparently, the software concluded that he just wasn't the right driver.

• The FDA attributed the drop in Covid hospitalizations and deaths to the increasing number of vaccinations, not mentioning patients who use non-approved treatments. My neighbor treated his corona virus with Ivermectin which is a medicine for horses. The hospital lists his condition as stable.

• The White Privilege Conference is being held at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte. It wasn't until I went to the movie theater to see Twelve Years a Slave did I experience the awfulness of human exploitation. I had to pay eight dollars for a large popcorn and six dollars for a large Coke.

• President Biden urged Americans to support his reconciliation bill for the investment it makes in people so we can continue to lead the world in technological advances. It so happens that the inventor of the microwave oven died last week. His family was at his bedside when the timer went off.

• President Biden punted on the spending bills Thursday. The House won't pass Infrastructure, passable in the Senate, until the Senate passes Reconciliation, which the Senate will never pass. Don't you hate it when you're digging a hole to hide a body and there's already a body there?

• House Democrats last week recruited testimony from a whistle-blower who attacked Facebook, the one social media site where conservatives thrive. With Facebook down last week, I got to have an actual talk with my best friend. I was astonished to hear she doesn't work at Woolworth's anymore.

• The White House was pummeled by the results of the latest Quinnipiac poll, which revealed that the president has sunk to thirty-eight percent job approval rating. He's fallen twenty-five points in two months. When told about the president's low poll numbers, Biden said he'd hate to be that guy.

• The U.S. Postal Service announced Friday it's begun slowing down U.S. Mail delivery to homes and businesses across the country. It proves that nothing is impossible. Incidentally, last year the Postal Service lost nine billion dollars, making it by far the most profitable branch of the government.

• Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot turned on her D.A. for lenient treatment of gang shooters. Often the suspect manhunts backfire. The Chicago Police just issued a bulletin saying they are looking for a young white male with ties to racist militias, and they received over six hundred job applications.

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• Hasbro Toys announced it'll stream live a Monopoly Charity Classic in which four celebrities will play a game of Monopoly. All the money will go to charity. I learned a lot of important life lessons when I was a kid playing Monopoly, especially how to storm out of a room and hold a grudge.

• Jacksonville Jaguars coach Urban Meyer apologized as video showed him getting a lap dance at his Ohio bar Sunday after his team lost in Cincinnati. He's quite organized. Urban Meyer's team depth chart assigns the people who play for him to three levels, first string, second string and G-string.

• Apple announced customers may begin placing orders online or at the stores Friday for their new Apple Series Seven watch. In addition, on Wednesday Apple marked the tenth anniversary of the death of Apple founder Steve Jobs. Every year they re-bury him in a lighter and slimmer casket.

• Southern Californians were startled by a series of violent thunderstorms and lightning strikes Monday. The storms mystified people who were raised in L.A. and they drenched everything. It's almost axiomatic out here in L.A. --- you wash your car one day, and the next day you hit a pedestrian.

• L.A. Mayor Garcetti signed an order requiring people to produce a vaccine card to get into bars, restaurants and shopping centers. When I asked my Millennial neighbor if the order affected her life while she was picking up packages at her front door she had one question. What's a shopping center?

• The FBI recruited fugitive murder suspect Brian Laundrie's father to aid in the search for his son. They need a lot more bounty hunters on his trail. To better their chances of locating Brian Laundrie, authorities are telling activists he's responsible for holding up the $3.5 trillion spending bill.

• The San Francisco Chronicle reported that the identity of California serial killer The Zodiac Killer was found out Monday. However it was three years after he died. His identity was discovered by poll workers who tried to track him down to confirm his signature on his ballot for Biden last year.

• President Biden delayed the reconciliation bill for a month as he negotiates with senators. The fate of the bill could rest with Senator Kyrsten Sinema, the first openly bi-sexual member of the Senate ever. It only suggests that when it comes to a vote on the Senate floor, she could go either way.

• The White House received bad news from economic advisors Wednesday who worry about the inflationary spiral in food. Analysts predict a sharp increase in prices over the next eighteen months for eggs, meat, dairy and all other food from animals. People who buy a McRib should see no change.

• Attorney General Merrick Garland vowed to prosecute protesting parents at school board meetings as terrorists. One school board meeting erupted in violence when parents clashed with teachers over mask mandates and race theory. A student finally restored order by shooting everyone.

• Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot ripped Chicago's District Attorney for not prosecuting cases of recent street violence. The last time I was in Chicago I thought I had a heart attack when I felt a shooting pain in my arm. The ER doctor examined me and said sure enough, I'd been shot in the arm.

• Elon Musk gave an interview on space colonization Tuesday and suggested ways to make the planet Mars habitable to human existence. Musk said the best way to heat the planet is to drop nuclear warheads over the poles. If those words sound familiar, they're from a German drinking song.

• The Wall Street Journal warned the severe shortage of big rig drivers may add to the logjam at ports and hamper holiday shopping. Queen Elizabeth just received an emergency visit from the Teamsters Union Friday. As nicely as possible, they said, we heard you drove a truck during the war?

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