Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The White House failed to slip immigration reform into the spending bill. Democrats refused to pass the spending bill before the reconciliation bill passes, which Republicans will never approve. I am pretty sure that fifty years of Civics Classes taught by gym teachers is what got us into this mess.

• Dog the Bounty Hunter vowed to use high tech to find suspected wife killer Brian Laundrie. Last year, Amazon's facial recognition matched twenty-eight Members of Congress to criminal mug shots. Now they have to fine tune it a bit to identify the other five hundred and seven.

• Dog the Bounty Hunter announced he was joining the search for fugitive suspected wife killer Brian Laundrie. In Los Angeles, we outsource these chores. Last week, when a man in Beverly Hills threatened to kill his wife, the judge ordered him to get professional help, so he hired a hit man.

• Nancy Pelosi said her reconciliation bill aims to bring transformational change in America. It could lead to fixing the greater problem. If we really want to do something for people who prefer to live on government handouts and refuse to work for a living, we should kick them out of Congress.

• House Democrats refused to compromise with each other on the reconciliation and budget bill last week, confounding public opinion. We hated Congress last year because they wouldn't give us two thousand dollars, but we loved Congress this year after the riot. So abusive relationships do work.

• President Biden signed a temporary spending bill Thursday to avoid a shutdown and to extend funding the U.S. government till early December. However even during a shutdown, Members of Congress continue to get paid. Their salaries are protected under the Americans with No Abilities Act.

• The White House negotiated furiously with House Members and Senators Thursday in a clash between Democrats over the three trillion dollar spending bill. The president says it actually costs nothing. I paid fifty thousand dollars for my Cadillac, but I'm greatly relieved to learn that it was free.

• President Biden insisted on a top quality health care plan for all Americans in the spending bill. I know a rich but ailing old producer in Beverly Hills whose health plan provides him with two beautiful young nurses at his home. Whenever his blood pressure drops, they start kissing each other.

• The FDA recommended Americans over the age of sixty-five get a booster shot in order to stay safe. It didn't sound too urgent. If the FDA really wants older Americans to take the booster shots they should warn them that illegal aliens are pouring across the border to take away our booster shots.

• The Selective Service reported that if Congress and the president move to re-instate the draft that a lottery will be held to determine the order men are drafted. I remember the lottery in 1971. No, I never served in the military, but I stand a little taller every time the ATM thanks me for my service.

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• Free Britney protesters cheered outside an L.A. courthouse Wednesday as a judge removed her father's conservatorship. Afterwards, Britney reassured fans that once again, she's in control of her money. And Mexico reassured Britney, that once again they are able to resume shipping her coke.

• The Los Angeles Times reports that Netflix agreed to a production deal to air 49 South Asian TV series and movies that are cast, written and produced in India. I believe movies made in India are misleading. Last night, I suddenly began dancing in the grocery store and nobody joined in.

• The Arthur Murray Dance Studios in Los Angeles reopened with rules that students mask up and be vaccinated. My generation took ballroom dancing in the fifth and sixth grade. Today, I learn all the latest dances by watching the guys on Maury celebrating when they find out they aren't the father.

• The Taliban Ruling Council made good on one of their promises to the world community this week. The mullahs banned farmers from growing poppies, instrumental in the production of opium. Instead of poppies, the farmers are ordered to grow olives, I'm guessing for the extra virgin.

• President Biden was loudly booed at the Washington Nationals ballpark when he showed up for the congressional baseball game Wednesday. At college football stadiums on Saturdays, students chant his name preceded by an obscenity. Joe Biden promised to unite this country, and G od bless him, he's done it.

• Barack Obama flew to Chicago Tuesday where he broke ground on the Obama presidential library, located on Chicago's south side. It's going to need bullet-proof windows. When Chicagoans look inside and see a roomful of Hollywood celebrities not wearing masks, there's bound to be violence.

• Prince Harry and Meghan flew to New York for the U.N. opening and to socialize with the mayor and governor. They're now writing a tell-all book about the royal family. Their Oprah interview drew 20 million viewers, because people are fascinated by car crashes, even when they are a year away.

• Car and Driver magazine reported sales figures showing a huge increase in the number of Jeeps sold in the U.S. following last year's overall car industry slump. Their owners swear by them. My neighbor just named his new Jeep the Elizabeth Warren, because it's white and calls itself a Cherokee.

• National Geographic reports the discovery of footprints found in a dry lake bed in New Mexico that date back 23,000 years. They say they are the oldest human footprints in North America. Speaking of Chuck Grassley, he announced Friday he's running for Senate again.

• The Associated Press posted a 1937 photo taken in Germany which showed hundreds of young Hitler youth standing in bleachers with their right arms high in the air, giving the Nazi salute. That is, except for one solitary boy who stays seated with his arms crossed. There's always ONE troublemaker.

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