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Decade of disaster: Be on guard for these people you'll date in your 20s

Danielle Sepulveres

By Danielle Sepulveres The Washington Post

Published Oct. 11, 2019

Decade of disaster: Be on guard for these people you'll date in your 20s
You know those people who tell you that dating in your 20s is joyous, carefree and full of possibility? I am not one of those people.

I am here to tell you that dating as a young adult is more like a vast expanse littered with trash fires as far as the eye can see.

OK, yes -- I'm being dramatic. You will probably find some wonderful people in there as well. Possibly a bit charred on the edges, but there. Over the course of these 10 years, most of us will date a mix of people. Good people, bad people, good people who make bad decisions.

Maybe you won't date anyone. In which case, I applaud your wise restraint. But this article is not for you. This is for those of us learning, in those young-adult years, to identify the people who do or do not belong in our lives -- and sometimes it takes lots of mistakes to figure that out. And sometimes (cough cough, points at self) it might take until our 30s to implement that knowledge. In any case, here are 10 potential romantic partners I suggest you avoid.

1. The Emotional Manipulator

This person uses your feelings against you. No matter the situation, the blame for every relationship issue falls to you. You could have plans to meet, be standing out in the cold and rain waiting for two hours and it is somehow you who misunderstood their needs. Everything they say and do is designed to make you feel insecure and fearful that they might leave you, so you are constantly apologizing and feeling like you are in the wrong. You are not. But you are with the wrong person.

2. The One Who Won't Be Hated

I once dated a guy who was obsessed with over-explaining his actions. My friends called him "disclaimer guy" because he did sweet things like surprising me at the airport with flowers while simultaneously telling me that these weren't grand gestures -- just the mark of a nice guy. When I was hurt after it ended, he repeatedly told me that I wasn't "allowed" to feel hurt or speak poorly of him to my friends because he had always pointed out that everything he did was devoid of intense emotion. It wasn't his fault that I read into these actions.

3. The One Who Is So Nice (or Seemingly So Feminist)

When someone claims they are "nice," run in the opposite direction. Anyone who is truly nice won't need to announce it. Especially in a fit of rage as you tell them you're not interested in them. The worst combo I've encountered is a man who insists he's a nice guy feminist. Again, this is not a label that needs to be screamed; if you are one, it will be evident in your behavior.

4. The One Who Is Obsessed With Their Ex

There's nothing more irritating than constantly being compared to an ex. "My ex always did this" or "When my ex and I went on vacation ..." Sometimes I think it's because they were the one dumped. Sometimes it's residual feelings. Sometimes they haven't had that many relationships, and they only know how to keep analyzing things side by side with the last person in their life. But always being pitted against (the memory of!) another person is tiresome. Next!

5. The One Obsessed With Settling Down

These people are so focused on the end-game that they're missing all the fun casual, getting-to-know-you stuff, which is important and exciting. Someone who rushes to get into a serious relationship, I've found, has made up their mind where things are going instead of letting ... things ... happen. With a person like this, I had to ask myself: "Are they even listening to me?" (No.) "Am I just a space-filler?" (Yes.) Settling down can't be forced. It's a joint decision.

6. The Person Who Thinks Marriage Is a Trap

Marriage is a trap and THEY WILL NOT BE TRAPPED, OK? Their refrains -- "Why is everyone in such a rush to get married?" and "I'm not looking for anything serious" -- make you think twice about even wearing a white sundress, lest they think you're dropping a hint. Sure, they'll tell you that "everyone who gets married is unhappy," but don't be surprised when they get engaged to the person they date right after you.

7. The One Who Wants You to Be a Mind Reader

A friend of mine, a white Italian woman, dated a Korean man for several years and was devastated when he broke up with her. His explanation? His mother had told him that American girls were easy and not acceptable for marriage or a serious relationship. Never relaying to her that race could be a deal-breaker, he assumed she knew they wouldn't make it long-term. She did not.

In my experience, these red flags don't magically disappear after your 30th birthday. But you will spot them quicker once you've seen them before.

Good luck and godspeed.

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