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Jewish World Review Oct. 6, 2004 / 21 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | SpaceShipOne achieved the first fixed-wing flight into space on Monday. The pilot took it three hundred thousand feet above everybody's heads. At one point the aircraft spun out of control after colliding with John Kerry's train of thought.

The Clinton Presidential Library received a donation of Beatles memorabilia from George Harrison's estate. It's only right. In a hundred years historians will be arguing whether the Beatles or Bill Clinton started the Free Love Movement.

Mount St. Helens began spewing ash along with steam Tuesday, giving geologists hope of seeing a huge eruption. You won't see the same mistake they made twenty-four years ago. This time the volcano's agent got it an endorsement deal with Cialis.

Tiger Woods fell to third place in world golf rankings Sunday after slipping to second the week before. Staying on top requires hard work. If Germany doesn't get cracking soon, America is going to take its place as star of the History Channel. SpaceShipOne won a ten million dollar prize in the California desert Monday for reaching outer space in a vehicle that can carry passengers. The Mojave desert team had a distinct advantage. From California to outer space is a local call.

Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells told CBS' 60 Minutes he can't explain why he stays in a job that destroys his personal life and his sanity. It's a puzzlement. Other than the fame, power, money and women it is the emptiest existence imaginable.

Dick Cheney and John Edwards held a vice presidential debate at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland Tuesday. Viewers watched in morbid fascination. Not even Siegfried and Roy would stand onstage between a trial lawyer and an oilman.

The Los Angeles Dodgers reached the National League playoffs Saturday thanks to a ninth-inning homer by Steve Finley. What a day. After the game John Kerry telephoned the locker room and congratulated them on advancing in the America's Cup.

John Kerry talked about stem cell research in New Hampshire Monday alongside a stage full of seriously ill people. It didn't have the intended effect. They took one look at John Kerry and thought that the Grim Reaper had come for them.

Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 was released on DVD to video stores nationwide Tuesday. He's famous for his negative outlook on life. When Michael Moore was a child he moved all his stuff into the basement just so he could be closer to hell.

Baghdad liquor store owners were targeted for death Monday by Muslim radicals who say selling alcohol breaks Islamic law. There have been nightly shootings, bombings and arson. The place is so dangerous the convenience stores are called Nine-Elevens.

The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded to two U.S. scientists for discovering how the human nose works. They found that the nose can recognize ten thousand different smells. So with any luck, more room in coach will become an international human right.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton