The one real secret to good self-esteem

There are times we all feel so deeply inadequate that validation doesn't work. There are also people who have deep emotional wounds and insecurities that are an ingrained part of their belief systems. For these people (and most of us) we must go deeper to change self-esteem. We must change the core belief that creates low self-esteem to begin with.

Get the family together and explain how everything we see and believe is based on perspective and that our perspective then determines how we feel. Here is an example:

Imagine being on a boat in a storm in the dark. The waves are tossing the boat right and left and you are scared for your life. You hold on tight and pray you won't capsize. It's scary and tense. Then the captain comes back and asks how you are. You explain it's too dangerous and ask him to turn back.

The captain just laughs and says not to worry. This is normal. They travel through waves this size every day and the boat will be fine. You will arrive at your destination safely. He tells you to enjoy the experience because all is well. There is nothing to fear. Now, you can start to see the experience as fun, like a ride at the amusement park. You laugh as the boat is tossed and you are no longer afraid.

What changed?

You are still on the same boat, in the same storm with the same size waves. A few minutes ago you were scared to death and now you are fine. The only thing that changed was your perspective. A perspective change can completely change the way you feel.

So, let's change your perspective about you and your value as a person.

We start by helping you understand your current perspective on your value, where it comes from and what it's based on. Your current fears about your value come from one core belief that affects how you see yourself and other people every minute of your life. It is a belief you have accepted as fact (even though it is only an idea or perspective). This core belief is that human value is changeable.

You believe human value changes all the time. This means you can perform well, lose weight or make more money and literally increase your value as a person. You can also fail, lose a game, lose your job, have a bad hair day or have people who don't like you and lose value as a person.

This would also mean that some people are better than other people, and this damaging idea is responsible for most of the problems on the planet. We are always seeing ourselves as better or more important than groups of other people, which leads us into conflict, discrimination and hate.

This idea that human value changes also creates a fear in all of us — that we might not be good enough. It is because we believe that human value is changeable that we are insecure and feel inadequate so much of the time.

If you want to help your spouse and children feel better about themselves and have more confidence, you must help them change this core belief. You must help them shift their perspective and start seeing human value as infinite and absolute — and unchangeable.

We have the option of seeing life as a classroom, not a test, and you can't fail if there is no test. If there is no test, your value isn't in question at all. This means your value stays the same no matter what mistakes you make. You can always just erase and try again. These mistakes are lessons to teach you things, but they don't affect your value.

Right now, because you think your value can change and must be earned, you base your value on your appearance, performance, property and the opinions of others. The world has taught you to see people who do well in these areas as better than those who don't. But again, this is just perspective.

You could instead decide to see human value as based on our nature and our uniqueness as one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable souls. If our value is based on our uniqueness, then we all have the same value, because we are all unique.

Teach your family that human value is the same all the time. Teach them that we are on this planet to learn and grow (and we have a lot more learning and improving to do) but our intrinsic worth is not tied to that progress.

Teach them their intrinsic worth is there and the same, all the time, no matter what. Start talking about this perspective being true every day and in every situation. When your kids see a homeless person, point out that they have the same value we do. When your child loses a game, point out that it isn't fun, but at least it doesn't affect their value. When your spouse makes a mistake, remind him or her that it's just a lesson and you both still have the same value. Make this idea something that is reinforced daily.

If you can change the principle belief that creates feelings of inadequacy, you can lessen the problem. This belief is deeply ingrained though, so it's going to take lots of work, repetition and discussion to internalize it — but you can do it. I help individuals, organizations and groups change this and other core beliefs every day, and it can be done. You can change your thinking and change your life.

The author Chuck Palahniuk wrote, "The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think, the way they see themselves, the way they see the world, you can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create."

Instead of just validating your spouse, help your family create a new belief about human value. See all people as good enough all the time. Convince them that their value is never in question. This will work and last. Help your wife to understand that appearance has nothing to do with her value. I wrote a parable about this that you might want to read.

There once was a wise king who loved all people deeply and was truly happy, good and kind. He wanted the people in his kingdom to learn what he knew and live with more peace. So he developed a lesson to help them.

Throughout the kingdom he created many different kinds of houses. Some were grand, large and beautiful. Some were small and humble, and some were in between. Some houses were in disrepair and others were greatly adorned. Some were castles and others were shacks. There were no two alike, every home was unique.

The king then randomly assigned every person in the kingdom to a house. The people did not get to choose their houses. The houses were not assigned based on income or performance. The houses were assigned based on which experience the king felt would serve each person to best learn about love.

Then the king told the people what he expected them to do with these houses. He wanted them to care for the house they received, fix it up and make the best of their situation. He also wanted them to learn to love themselves and other people for "who they were on the inside" and never judge each other based on the houses they lived in.

The houses were simply a lesson. The people in the town understood that living in a beautiful house didn't mean anything about their real value. Living in a less than perfect house didn't reflect on their worth at all. The issue in question was "what were they learning and becoming from their experience of living in the house they received?"

If they lived in a beautiful house, were they learning to be humble about their blessings? Did they remember their real worth came from their character and their intrinsic worth (which was the same as everyone else's)?

If they lived in a flawed house did they let that affect their value or make them feel inferior? Did they love themselves in spite of their home? Would they take care of the house they were assigned? Would they fix it up and care for it, even though it wasn't the one they wished they had? Could they be happy for others instead of jealous? Could they understand that a house doesn't affect the value of a person?

The king explained to his people that their value came from their character, their heart and their love. He asked them to focus on loving themselves and others and basically ignore the size and shape of their houses. The king told his people that happiness doesn't come from getting what you want on the outside, it comes from the love you have for yourself, others, the Divine and life on the inside.

Because the king clearly explained the goal and the reason for being assigned a house (to help you to learn to love yourself and others) the people found they could do it. They understood truth and didn't waste time judging each other for the size and shape of their houses.

After you read this story, read it again but replace the word "house" with "body."

This always seem impossible the first time someone hears it (because their old beliefs are so ingrained), but I promise if you work at this, you can do it.

Kimberly Giles is a life coach and author of the new book CHOOSING CLARITY: The Path to Fearlessness.