Clicking on banner ads enables JWR to constantly improve
Jewish World Review Sept. 29, 2004 / 14 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

JWR's Pundits
World Editorial
Cartoon Showcase

Mallard Fillmore

Michael Barone
Mona Charen
Linda Chavez
Ann Coulter
Greg Crosby
Larry Elder
Don Feder
Suzanne Fields
James Glassman
Paul Greenberg
Bob Greene
Betsy Hart
Nat Hentoff
David Horowitz
Marianne Jennings
Michael Kelly
Mort Kondracke
Ch. Krauthammer
Lawrence Kudlow
Dr. Laura
John Leo
Michelle Malkin
Jackie Mason
Chris Matthews
Michael Medved
Kathleen Parker
Wes Pruden
Sam Schulman
Amity Shlaes
Roger Simon
Tony Snow
Thomas Sowell
Cal Thomas
Jonathan S. Tobin
Ben Wattenberg
George Will
Bruce Williams
Walter Williams
Mort Zuckerman

Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Monterey County in California was hit by a huge earthquake Tuesday. Florida cleaned up after its fourth hurricane while a volcano threatened to erupt near Seattle. John Kerry said it proves that President Bush is losing the war on weather.

NASA reported that a three-mile-wide asteroid came within a million miles of striking Earth Wednesday. It was large enough to cause global devastation if it hit the planet. Without even being told, Florida residents boarded up their ceilings.

The Texas Iconoclast, which claims to be President Bush's hometown newspaper in Crawford, endorsed John Kerry Tuesday. Both candidates are having trouble with their base. The October issue of Windsurfer Gigolo magazine just endorsed President Bush.

John Edwards traveled to Pittsburgh Tuesday where he courted women voters by campaigning with a September 11th widow by his side. We know what this is about. He admires John Kerry so much that he has begun traveling with a rich widow himself.

Dan Rather's daily five-minute radio commentary piece was taken off the air by Houston's CBS affiliate this week. He's really feeling the heat. During last night's newscast he blinked in Morse Code that he could be executed any day now.

Major League Baseball announced that the Montreal Expos will move to Washington D.C. and play at RFK Stadium. It will require some remodeling. To accommodate all the congressmen, stadium contractors are removing all the urinals and installing troughs.

Johnnie Cochran was taken to the U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday by a disgruntled client who claims the defense attorney is unfit to practice. That's ridiculous. Johnnie Cochran is such a great lawyer that he even had O.J. convinced he didn't do it.

Pfizer appealed the Chinese government's decision to ignore its Viagra patent. The erection drug has a huge market in China, where many exotic substances are used to maintain virility. Don't ask what Bill Clinton's discarded artery fetched on eBay in Canton.

Merck Pharmaceuticals joined the fight against obesity Tuesday and announced it's developing a nasal spray drug that helps people shed pounds. The company said you just spray it up your nose and you lose weight. Disco ball sold separately.

Coral Gables will host the first presidential debate between President Bush and John Kerry Thursday. They picked Florida for a good reason. At this point Floridians are like a Bob Hope audience in a war zone, they will laugh at anything.

Bill Clinton was photographed walking Saturday as he recuperated comfortably from his recent heart bypass. The operation didn't go smoothly at all. Every time the surgeon called for suction, the patient regained consciousness and denied everything.

Legendary rock producer Phil Spector went nuts outside the courtroom when he was indicted for murder Monday. He didn't understand the justice system in Los Angeles. Maybe next time he'll agree to listen to a few of the songs the judge wrote.

Wall Street reeled when crude oil hit fifty dollars a barrel on Monday. It's a sneaky plot. Democrats think if they can get the price up to sixty dollars by October, Bush and Cheney will concede the election and go back into the oil business.

John Kerry asked Friday for the room temperature inside the debate hall to be seventy degrees. It saves a lot of trouble. Once the temperature hits eighty the collagen in his face starts to melt and Interpol may think they have tracked down The Scream.

Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to Washington D.C. this week. The sport will be an odd fit in the nation's capital. The difference between baseball and politics is if you get caught stealing in baseball, you're out.

Donate to JWR

Appreciate this writer's work? Why not sign-up for JWR's daily update. It's free. Just click here.

Argus' Archives

JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton