Jewish World Review Sept. 29, 2004 / 14 Tishrei, 5765
important news ....
Monterey County in California was hit by a huge earthquake
Tuesday. Florida cleaned up after its fourth hurricane while a
volcano threatened to erupt near Seattle. John Kerry said it
proves that President Bush is losing the war on weather.
NASA reported that a three-mile-wide asteroid came within a
million miles of striking Earth Wednesday. It was large enough to
cause global devastation if it hit the planet. Without even being
told, Florida residents boarded up their ceilings.
The Texas Iconoclast, which claims to be President Bush's
hometown newspaper in Crawford, endorsed John Kerry Tuesday. Both
candidates are having trouble with their base. The October issue
of Windsurfer Gigolo magazine just endorsed President Bush.
John Edwards traveled to Pittsburgh Tuesday where he courted
women voters by campaigning with a September 11th widow by his
side. We know what this is about. He admires John Kerry so much
that he has begun traveling with a rich widow himself.
Dan Rather's daily five-minute radio commentary piece was
taken off the air by Houston's CBS affiliate this week. He's
really feeling the heat. During last night's newscast he blinked
in Morse Code that he could be executed any day now.
Major League Baseball announced that the Montreal Expos will
move to Washington D.C. and play at RFK Stadium. It will require
some remodeling. To accommodate all the congressmen, stadium
contractors are removing all the urinals and installing troughs.
Johnnie Cochran was taken to the U.S. Supreme Court on
Tuesday by a disgruntled client who claims the defense attorney is
unfit to practice. That's ridiculous. Johnnie Cochran is such a
great lawyer that he even had O.J. convinced he didn't do it.
Pfizer appealed the Chinese government's decision to ignore
its Viagra patent. The erection drug has a huge market in China,
where many exotic substances are used to maintain virility. Don't
ask what Bill Clinton's discarded artery fetched on eBay in Canton.
Merck Pharmaceuticals joined the fight against obesity
Tuesday and announced it's developing a nasal spray drug that
helps people shed pounds. The company said you just spray it up
your nose and you lose weight. Disco ball sold separately.
Coral Gables will host the first presidential debate between
President Bush and John Kerry Thursday. They picked Florida for a
good reason. At this point Floridians are like a Bob Hope audience
in a war zone, they will laugh at anything.
Bill Clinton was photographed walking Saturday as he
recuperated comfortably from his recent heart bypass. The
operation didn't go smoothly at all. Every time the surgeon called
for suction, the patient regained consciousness and denied everything.
Legendary rock producer Phil Spector went nuts outside the
courtroom when he was indicted for murder Monday. He didn't
understand the justice system in Los Angeles. Maybe next time
he'll agree to listen to a few of the songs the judge wrote.
Wall Street reeled when crude oil hit fifty dollars a barrel
on Monday. It's a sneaky plot. Democrats think if they can get the
price up to sixty dollars by October, Bush and Cheney will concede
the election and go back into the oil business.
John Kerry asked Friday for the room temperature inside the
debate hall to be seventy degrees. It saves a lot of trouble. Once
the temperature hits eighty the collagen in his face starts to
melt and Interpol may think they have tracked down The Scream.
Major League Baseball agreed Friday to move the Montreal Expos to Washington D.C. this week. The sport will be an odd fit in the nation's capital. The difference between baseball and politics is if you get caught stealing in baseball, you're out.
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