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Jewish World Review Sept. 27, 2004 / 12 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Lance Armstrong's five-million-dollar cash bonus for capturing his sixth Tour de France was withheld Friday pending a drug test on him. Why should he need to be on anything? Bicycling over the Alps is as natural as hitting seventy-three home runs.

Los Angeles Dodger star Shawn Green took a day off Saturday during a pennant race for his religion's holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur. He's very sincere about it. It's not like when Dan Rather refuses to work on George Washington's Birthday.

Elton John arrived at Taiwan's airport Wednesday and went berserk shouting at photographers who surprised him at the terminal. He is apparently having career problems. Only Osama bin Laden has been off the Top Forty list longer than Elton John.

John Kerry vowed to go after terrorists Thursday and defeat them his way. He does things just so. If John Kerry is president, he will have two buttons on his phone inside the nuclear briefcase, one for the butler and one for the night butler.

John Kerry told Temple University Friday he will wage war in Iraq differently. It's called personal diplomacy. Due to his superior people skills and sensitivity he will be better able to get allies to send their soldiers into the wrong war at the wrong time.

The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center said Tuesday men who drink a glass of wine a day are less likely to get prostate cancer. However, they didn't bother testing the effects of wine on women. There has already been centuries of research on that.

Bill Clinton waved to photographers on Tuesday as he walked out to his patio to read a book. His recovery is right on schedule. He was wearing a baseball cap sideways in a transparent attempt to get Britney Spears to pretend to marry him.

Woody Allen was reported in New York Friday to be shopping his autobiography to publishers around town. In the book he freely admits to a chauvinist view of relationships. He wears the pants in the family, especially after the court order.

Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi addressed Congress Thursday. He has survived four assassination attempts in two months by political enemies and one previous assassination attempt from Saddam Hussein. He is the Ralph Nader of the Middle East.

President Bush ripped John Kerry for sending mixed signals to the enemy and our allies and U.S. troops. Indecisiveness has its virtues. No one was more decisive than George Armstrong Custer and the last thing that went through his mind was an arrow.

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