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Jewish World Review Sept. 20, 2004 / 5 Tishrei, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Illinois U.S. Senate candidate Barack Obama opened a giant lead against his GOP opponent. He said in his neighborhood in Chicago, people vote because it's their patriotic duty. That must be true, because most of them don't need the money.

The FDA announced Thursday people will no longer need a doctor's prescription to purchase defibrillators. They are used to shock a person back to life. The Bush administration wants to revive the Kerry campaign, just to make it a fair fight.

John Kerry confounded Don Imus on his radio show last week with his vague and noncommittal answers. Help is on the way. One of the radio listeners is sending John Kerry a copy of the Kama Sutra in case he runs out of positions he can take on Iraq.

John Edwards urged Democrats Friday to use sharper criticism of President Bush. Coordination is the key. The Kerry campaign has one team of lawyers for fundraising, two teams of lawyers for the recount, and John Edwards to sue for damages after the train wreck.

Bill Clinton was reported last week to have begun a cholesterol-free diet to avoid future heart problems. He's giving up eggs. The latest medical theory says it was not the fall that killed Humpty Dumpty, he was dead before he hit the ground.

Monday Night Football, it was announced Friday, will be broadcast this season on a five-second delay. They worry that a female fan might flash her breasts at the camera. The delay allows ABC Sports time to warn their viewers they have five seconds to punch record.

John Kerry appeared with General Wesley Clark onstage in Las Vegas Thursday before the National Guard convention. He began droning about the complexities and ambiguities involved in his vote to go to war. By the twentieth minute, he had two audience members taking their shirts off onstage and clucking like chickens.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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