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Jewish World Review Sept. 7, 2004 / 21 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | John Kerry relaxed on Nantucket Sound while the GOP Convention was pummeling him last week. The pictures didn't help. The cameras caught him wind-surfing, and it occurred to viewers that even his hobby depends on which way the wind is blowing.

John Kerry campaigned Monday in West Virginia, where the Democrats own a wide plurality. The party may be all they have in common. John Kerry comes from a crowd that thinks Dale Earnhardt was the first woman aviator to fly across the Pacific.

John Kerry gave a thunderous response in Ohio Thursday to all the charges made at the convention. He ripped Dick Cheney for avoiding the draft five times and accused the president of misleading the nation into war in Iraq. At any minute you expected Teresa to step up and say that her man takes Cialis because it gives him the response he likes.

John Kerry performed with great vigor Thursday after the pounding he took at the GOP Convention. He must improve his message. It leaves audiences cross-eyed to hear that we're a great country, we're a powerful country, and it's time for a change.

John Kerry told the American Legion Convention meeting in Nashville he would have done everything differently in Iraq. He drew a full auditorium. It was so hot in Tennessee that strangers came in off the street to enjoy the chilly reception.

A hospitalized Bill Clinton called John Kerry Saturday night. He told him to stop talking about Vietnam and start asking questions about Iraq. And then as the doctors wheeled him away, he asked him to win one for the groper.

Bill Clinton was in New Orleans Wednesday and hinted that his memoir My Life would make a terrific movie. He doesn't read the trades. The porno industry is still shut down in Los Angeles until the actors' guild is satisfied that no more actors will get infected.

Senator Zell Miller addressed the GOP Convention. He was once chief of staff for Lester Maddox, he nominated Bill Clinton and now he's endorsed George Bush. If they ever teach evolution in Southern schools, it will be all about Zell Miller.

Men's Health predicted super-long lifespans in America due to much healthier lifestyles. Evidence is pouring in. One guy gave up sugar, bread, tobacco, sex, caffeine and alcohol, and he was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger told the convention how he was welcomed to America when all he could speak was German. That's nothing. His father could only speak German and he was welcomed to Poland, France, and Russia, if they knew what was good for them.

William Kennedy Smith was sued for sex assault by his employee Audra Soulias last week. He met her in Bosnia and convinced her to immigrate to America to work for him. The producers of Alien versus Predator couldn't buy this kind of publicity.

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