Jewish World Review Sept. 5, 2003 / 8 Elul, 5763

Media Person

Media Person
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Consumer Reports

How'd You Doodad? | People are forever asking Media Person, "Media Person, what are the latest cool gadgets on the market that I can acquire at great cost to enhance my media-consuming experience?" Most times, Media Person politely replies, "Don't bother me, you bloody fool! Can't you see I'm busy?" But perhaps Media Person has been a bit too hard on you bloody fools. Perhaps, as America's 14th greatest living guru on all media matters, MP should toss his devoted fans the occasional sop. In that generous spirit, here is Media Person's Wicked Cool Guide to the Latest Cool Gadgets:

No-Quit News: Sure, you're a post-modern, plugged-in, on-the-go guy or gal so you need your customized newsflow not 24/7 but 25/8. Yet even that trusty laptop can't follow you everywhere. (The shower? The golf course? The swimming pool? The dentist chair?) Well, DynaFlow's Newster ProElite can! Roughly the size and shape of an adult border collie, Newster follows you wherever you go, tracking you via a top-secret navigational scanner developed by handsomely paid defense contractors to guide U.S. Army handheld missiles to their targets. All the while, it broadcasts a stream of news and information programmed to meet your specific needs, also notifying you of appointments, time and temperature as well as alerting you to any impending nuclear, chemical or biological attacks and major natural disasters. Waterproof, shockproof, impervious to all but a direct artillery hit, Newster effortlessly keeps you on top of your game. Plus it sweeps and vacs!

Air purifier: Bias in the news is one of today's biggest problems. But not anymore! Playarola's T6320 digital news deslantifier attaches to any TV or radio and instantly cleanses news broadcasts of liberal cant, right-wing fibs, politically correct humbug, government disinformation and corporate propaganda. Also comes in a lightweight portable version that can be quickly and almost painlessly clamped onto the head of anyone you suspect of misleading you!

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Morning Glory: With Guccino's Dr. RoboJoe Talking Automatic Espresso Maker and Psychoanalyst, all you do is toss in your favorite gourmet-quality coffee beans, add water and tell Dr. RoboJoe whether you want espresso, cappuccino, latte (all regular or decaf) or hot cocoa. As you speak, internal sensors within this graceful, silver vessel "read" your voice, analyzing stress and anxiety levels, pinpointing trauma zones and detecting angst eruptions. Automatically Dr. RoboJoe determines the correct medication to heal your pummeled psyche and injects the required dosage into your perfectly brewed hot beverage, insuring a great start to your day!

Scan'n'Tan: For the newly enlightened metrosexual male who wants to be magnificently groomed but still finds the process excruciatingly boring, here is the Multi-Mode Teletanner by Tartuffo Industries. Just clamber into the gleaming top-loading cabinet (no larger than an ordinary washing machine) set the patented EasyBreeze control panel to either Beautify, Maximize or Mutilate and presto! Within minutes, Teletanner will tan you to a toasty, natural shade, while two hypoallergenic steel blades trim unsightly nose hair easily and quietly and 8,000 tiny high-pressure jets administer mysterious balms and emollients to your distressed pores. At the same time, the voice of Vin Diesel reads selections from the works of Thackeray, Proust or Tom Clancy, your choice.

Delish Download: Ever crave a hot, nourishing meal but you haven't the time even to microwave? General Eclectic's new Gastrica 4000 Ingestion Oven solves that little problem: It cooks a meal instantaneously after it's already in your stomach! Just gulp down a handful of new, bite-sized Bird's Eye Condensed Frozen NutriCubes, point the remote at your tummy and zap! You'll feel the same sleepy, satiated satisfaction you do after a six-course gourmet blowout at a fine French restaurant. Bon appetite!

Gag on This: It's the new j-Pod from Comico. You'll have in your pocket over 16 million jokes, jests, wisecracks and one-liners, suitable to any occasion, and you can deliver them in the voice of one of 85 leading comedians. j-Pod stays topical, too, automatically downloading new jokes from Internet humor sites. Works with Mac, PC or toaster oven. Specify clean or dirty.

Master Mind: You don't want to admit it, but you're sick and tired of people doing what they want to do instead of doing what you want them to do…not just your kids, spouse, friends and co-workers but entire nations. Well, that aggro is finito, thanks to DigiSchmart's autotronic Command'n'Control Module. Just a flick of the pocket-sized remote and anyone within range (approximately four miles, depending on weather conditions) will instantly run to your side, heel, await your orders and then do your bidding. It's a bit steep at $457,000 (batteries not included), but this little beauty delivers power you'll cherish!

Deluxe Delight: Euro-style design gives the sleek Magnifica 9000 from Exquisito the classy air that will make your home look better than it deserves. While the device doesn't actually do anything, your friends will drool with envy!

JWR contributor Media Person -- a.k.a Lewis Grossberger -- is a columnist for Media Week. Comment by clicking here.


08/13/03: Go West, Old Viewer
07/01/03: Nuts and Nutserer: Sometimes there's a fine line between heroism and lunacy
06/17/03: Buy, yes, but read?
06/11/03: Queasy Rider
05/28/03: How Hip Is Hop?
05/14/03: Will endorse for food
05/06/03: Kick this sick shtick
04/16/03: Important developments you may have missed because of all the war stuff clogging up the media
03/25/03: To go or not to go
03/12/03: How to talk war talk
03/04/03: Two master debaters
02/26/03: The Miracle Continues: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
02/19/03: Yanking the Franks
02/05/03: LET MY LETTERS GO!
01/28/03: Into the Pity Pit
01/15/03: Not My Cup of Joe
01/09/03: It was back in '03
12/17/02: Did you get taken?
12/05/02: Mathers of importance

© 2002, Lewis Grossberger