Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The Taliban neared Kabul as the U.S. began to evacuate Friday. After wins over the U.S., Russia and the British Empire, Afghanistan has just moved ahead of Alabama in the pre-season rankings due to its strength of schedule. An invitation to join the Southeastern Conference can't be far behind.

• Governor Cuomo's staffer gave a TV interview this week and gave a detailed account of her charges against him. She wasn't the only woman to come forward to tell her story, Last night, Caitlyn Jenner told a press conference that over the years she had been groped repeatedly by Bruce Jenner.

• President Biden spoke to reporters Thursday and vowed to get inflation under control. Police in Laredo, Texas, apprehended a woman last week after she had shoplifted eight hundred dollars worth of steaks from a grocery store. The cops not only arrested her, they made her take back both steaks.

• Senator Rand Paul's eviction from YouTube for posting a video asking why vaccinated people must wear face masks indoors sparked an angry debate over masks. Last night a security guard at the grocery store asked me, where's my mask? I told him I'm still celebrating Obama's birthday.

• President Biden was shown on TV getting lost wandering the White House grounds Thursday looking for his way back to the Oval Office. As a comedian, I'm happy to stand up for the guy. Thanks to Joe Biden's fearless leadership. The only thing spreading faster than Covid is the Taliban.

• The Pentagon acknowledged Wednesday that the Taliban is seizing control of large sections of Afghanistan and admitted that Kabul could fall, creating anarchy and chaos. The situation is worsening every day. The Weather Channel said that the five-day forecast for Afghanistan is two days.

• The White House is reported doing everything in its power Friday to keep the locals of Kabul safe while U.S. troops evacuate. For starters the U.S. wants to make sure that every Taliban invader has a vaccination card before they are allowed to enter Kabul. You guessed it, the mayor is a Democrat.

• The Department of Labor criticized people for staying home and taking unemployment with so many job openings. Retail stores are begging for smarter help. Police were called in to a WalMart when new floor workers discovered a live baby in the trash bin, but it just turned out to be a burrito.

• Hunter Biden was shown on a video released Wednesday naked in a hotel room and smoking cocaine and drinking with a hooker. Had I myself not been drunk and doing cocaine throughout my twenties, today I'd be married with a kid and a mortgage. So you see, every cloud has a silver lining.

• O.J. Simpson expressed how happy he is in Las Vegas Friday but said he avoids L.A. because he's afraid that the real killer will run into him on the street. That makes sense. Police who were first on the scene saw all the blood and just assumed they'd been run over on the patio by an Asian driver.

• The New York Post reported details of Virginia Giuffre's civil suit against Prince Andrew for having sex with her while she was underage, back when he was a playboy twenty years ago. Prince Andrew was a big favorite in Las Vegas. He could always be seen at the blackjack table, hitting on 16 and 17.

• MIT Technology Review says companies are using robots in shipping, pharmaceuticals and auto assembly while McDonald's uses robots to cook fries. However, they warned that female sex robots can be hacked and re-programmed to kill you. How's that different from a regular girlfriend?

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• The Hollywood Reporter reported that a popular and long-time Beverly Hills personal trainer has just been arrested by the police for dealing drugs. It just shows how you never really know a person. Celebrities have been going to him for years and they had no idea he was a personal trainer.

• Governor Andrew Cuomo started preparing to leave office in two weeks but he is still courting public favor in the meantime. Yesterday, the governor kissed a baby, which is normally okay, but it was breast-feeding. In Cuomo's defense, he was thirsty and he didn't realize that the baby was there.

• Italian Americans are angry at Andrew Cuomo for claiming his Italian culture is to blame for his lack of boundaries in hugging, squeezing ad kissing women. They say the stereotype is hurtful and it's outdated. And that they should fit him with cement shoes and drop him into the Hudson River.

• The CDC reported false numbers on Florida's infections Sunday, resulting in accusations of attempted sabotage to the state's entertainment and tourism industry. It helps to remember we made it through the previous pandemic. The Spanish Flu ended the Rolling Stones' 1918 world tour.

• President Biden had a senior moment Wednesday as he got lost wandering around the White House grounds trying to find his way back to the Oval Office. This is why comedians love him. It's the first time since Reagan's second term we have a president who can hide his own Easter eggs.

• Rand Paul was suspended by YouTube for expressing opposition to CDC orders on face masks and two of his anti-government videos were taken down. It gets better. Hillary Clinton's speaker's fee is four hundred thousand dollars for her banquet talk that's titled The Importance of Free Speech.

• President Biden met virtually with Kaiser and United Airlines executives Wednesday to discuss ways to require vaccinations. Right now, Delta variant is raging with Gamma and Lambda on the horizon. I'm less interested in the CDC's advisories than what the Inter-Fraternity Council has to say.

• President Biden's approval ratings for his handling of the economy fell to forty-seven percent in a Fox News poll Tuesday. It shows consumers are very concerned about the high price of groceries. Chicken, lamb chops and veal cost so much that last night I saw a coyote with an EBT card.

• A Norman, Oklahoma, school board meeting erupted in anger Tuesday when teachers claimed unmasked kids are lethally dangerous. Teachers have parents over a barrel. Once again parents are facing the choice to send their kids off to face Covid, or keep them home and kill them themselves.

• The Census Bureau reports in its 2020 ethnic population breakdown the white population of the U.S. could decline for the first time. They say the white decline is due to the low birth rate and the opioid epidemic. The U.S. birth rate is so low, the Maury Povich Show has been cut to fifteen minutes.

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