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Jewish World Review August 13, 2004 /26 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | Donald Trump sought Chapter Eleven protection Tuesday for his Atlantic City casinos. The business is in ruins, the buildings are in disrepair and the company is destroyed. Al-Qaeda just hired Donald Trump to do a little job for them in Las Vegas.

The Olympic Games will hold the Opening Night ceremony tonight in Athens and the production number will recall Ancient Greece. They have much to teach us. The Greeks were the world's only superpower until they got overextended in Mesopotamia.

Los Angeles residents were advised Thursday to drain all unused swimming pools for everyone's protection. It's to avoid the risk of parasites. Democrats promised to tax the rich and it's best to look like you're in foreclosure.

John Kerry promised Wednesday that he won't mess with Social Security. He vowed he won't privatize it, raise the retirement age or cut benefits. John Kerry thinks Social Security can survive best by marrying a wealthier retirement plan from Europe.

John Kerry was ripped by Ralph Nader Wednesday for ignoring opponents of the Iraq war. He was nominated because he was the most electable. Calling John Kerry the most electable Democrat is like labeling Jeb Bush the peacemaker of the family.

Colorado GOP Senate candidate Pete Coors endorsed lowering the legal drinking age to eighteen. He has no personal or financial interest in the marketing of alcohol. Last year in Los Angeles, Coors won a taste test against Evian and Perrier.

Saudi Arabia agreed to pump another million barrels a day Wednesday to help lower sky-high oil prices. How high are they? Texans and Oklahomans are pumping toilet plungers over prairie dog holes just in case there's anything left down there.

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