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Jewish World Review August 11, 2004 /24 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The NFL Hall of Fame Game was played Monday honoring this year's class of Hall of Famers. The players we love never go away. During the game's telecast, John Elway did a commercial for acid reflux and Michael Irvin did one for acid flashback.

The Athens Olympics opening Friday has been marred by reports of record-low tourism in Greece. Even the islands are deserted. Bar owners say guitar players are performing to empty rooms, which proves that you can't pay guitar players to go away.

John Kerry and President Bush stayed dead even in the polls Monday. National excitement is starting to build as a historic battle approaches this autumn. It looks like the St. Louis Cardinals may play the New York Yankees in the World Series.

John Kerry went to the Grand Canyon Monday and promised to increase funding for national parks by six hundred million dollars. He said he would pay for it by rolling back the tax cuts to the wealthiest two percent. He has spent that money so many times he risks stimulating the economy and re-electing President Bush.

John Kerry, while in New Mexico Sunday, was blessed with eagle feathers by the Navajo tribe. It was part of a solemn tribal ceremony. Five minutes later he ruined the mood when he successfully drew to an inside straight and declared Yahtzee.

Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi offered amnesty Thursday to Iraqi insurgents guilty of lesser crimes. The new justice system still has a few problems. Last week a judge in Baghdad gave a convicted burglar a suspended sentence, so they hanged him.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman complained Monday he wasn't told by Washington that al-Qaeda was plotting to attack Las Vegas two years ago. It's shocking. You would think that terrorists would spare a Mafia shrine out of professional courtesy.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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