Jewish World Review August 10, 2004 /25 Menachem-Av, 5764
important news ....
Bill Clinton refused an offer to host NBC's Saturday Night
Live but he agreed to appear on Comedy Central. There's nothing he
loves like a good political joke. She stood by him during
impeachment when she could have smothered him in his sleep.
The Richard Nixon Presidential Library today marks the
thirtieth anniversary of his resignation. His influence is great.
The swearing and racial slurs revealed on his Oval Office tapes
secure his place in American history as the Father of Rap Music.
John Kerry went to the Grand Canyon the moment he got to
Arizona Sunday. The state is debating a ballot measure to prevent
illegal immigrants from getting state benefits, and as a soldier
he instinctively dove for the deepest foxhole he could find. It's
not like Vietnam, he could really get killed on this issue.
John Kerry was blasted in a new ad by his fellow Vietnam
swift boat veterans Friday. They dispute his medal-winning
heroism. They say John Kerry phonied up his wounds, which if true,
would mean that his dependence on ketchup is nothing new.
John Daly signed to be the commercial spokesman for Dunkin
Donuts on the PGA Tour Friday. It's a red-hot product. Ever since
the government said obesity is an illness, people are staying home
from work on Monday mornings and calling in fat.
John Kerry said last week how much he loves the Ohio State
Buckeyes. He said it in Michigan. It mortifies Democrats to know
that on the most important issue to millions of Americans this
fall, President Bush has the intellectual high ground.
Detroit voters decided Tuesday to legalize medical
marijuana. It's not clear when the law will take effect. As long
as it's before the Dallas Cowboys arrive for their annual
Thanksgiving Day game, Bill Parcells won't lose another
Kobe Bryant was told Thursday his trial will begin in
September despite plea bargain rumors. Let's hope so. By then the
presidential contest will be so ugly the country will welcome the
relative peace and quiet of an interracial rape trial.
The Dow Jones fell Thursday as oil prices hit forty-four
dollars a barrel on the spot market. It's already an election
issue. In a valiant effort to connect with real people, Teresa
Heinz Kerry has given up bath oil and switched to Mr. Bubble.
John Kerry addressed Missouri voters Thursday and described
America's enemy as one that hides out in hills and strikes in
guerrilla fashion. That's no way to carry Missouri. He might as
well have called Jesse James an outlaw to their faces.
Bill Clinton was mobbed by thousands of women Thursday at
his book signing in Toronto. They sense a chance for fame and
fortune. Comedians weren't the only ones to notice that Hillary
would not kiss him onstage at the Democratic Convention.
Teresa Heinz Kerry danced with a twenty-two-year-old
campaign volunteer at the Albuquerque train station Saturday. John
Kerry was signing autographs while his wife was dancing with
another man. If he's trying to convince us that he's vigilant
enough to protect us, it's not working.
The Dallas Cowboys were warned Friday that cutting
quarterback Quincy Carter may have violated union protections.
Union rules are insane. Under the rule that says the first one
hired is the last one fired, the Cowboys now have to start Don Meredith.
Major League Baseball officials reportedly met Friday with
an ownership group lobbying for a team in Washington D.C. Prepare
to rewrite the record book. Rickey Henderson's record for number
of steals will be wiped out halfway through the next Highway Bill.
Iraqi intriguer Ahmad Chalabi was indicted in Iraq for
counterfeiting Sunday. He's known throughout the region as a
brilliant businessman. He started out as a bank teller in Jordan
and in two weeks he was bringing home forty thousand dollars a week.
Richard Nixon was remembered Monday on the thirtieth anniversary of his resignation. He taught America that you must never judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you judge him, you will be a mile away from him and you will have his shoes.
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