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It has become something of a joke in the family that he's a master of avoiding answering questions. He's our youngest, and the older ones are the total opposite: We usually get a blow-by-blow of their day and their feelings, and they are 15 and 17. We try hard to make sure the 12-year-old is not overshadowed by his brother and sister (i.e., make sure they don't spend all of dinner telling us about their day so there is no time for him to chime in, and make sure to give him time and an opportunity to shine), but nothing seems to help.
I read so often about how kids don't really share with their parents and need to be encouraged to open up, so maybe he is a typical kid, but it's not what we are used to with our other kids, and it seems like a glaring difference; we know so much about them, and almost nothing about what's going on in his life or his head.
Is there anything to be worried about? Or is this normal kid behavior? He's otherwise well-adjusted, happy, has lots of nice friends and hobbies, does well in school and is all around a great kid.
A: Close your eyes, and pretend that you are your son. You are quiet, keep to yourself, have some big (and small) feelings inside; you have interests and hobbies and insecurities and worries. You are 12.
Now, imagine you go to dinner and, every single night, your parents ask you the same (unanswerable) questions, your older siblings interrupt with their big stories, and you find that you are turning into a sort of joke in the family.
The more you resist the questions, the more your siblings interrupt and chuckle; the more they interrupt, the more your parents double down and try to "connect" with you, making you feel like you are on the hot seat. And so it goes.
I am not drawing out that scenario to make you feel badly. Rather, I am inviting you to see a different perspective: your son's. It is clear that you love and want to connect with him, and it is also clear that he poses a challenge for you.
To begin, let's stop doing what doesn't work. Stop putting your son on the spot with dull questions, inviting the same dynamic you have always been getting. It is clear that he doesn't want to share, and, above all, we want to stop whatever dynamic is making him the joke of the family (cringe).
My instinct is telling me that you need to bring the siblings on board here. They need a dose of, dare I say it, healthy shaming. If you see or hear them beginning to joke about their little brother, it is your job to bring a swift and decisive end to it.
Whether it is the death glare, sending them away from the table, or even a punishment or consequence, I would let them know ahead of time that you will not tolerate the unkindness. Period, end of conversation. When you hear it, you will act. Done and done. Being 12 is hard enough; this young man doesn't need to feel ashamed of who he is in his own home.
I would also take the older siblings for a walk or drive, and say something such as: "So, I have noticed a dynamic at dinner. We want Jake to share with us, but he really doesn't want to. And I think he may be intimidated by how verbal and active and enthusiastic you both are. I don't want to change your enthusiasm, but I also want to help Jake.
How do you think he feels during dinner? What are your ideas for changing this up?" These teens should (hopefully) have some creative ideas. The point of this conversation is to help them see their brother with compassion.
As for connecting with your 12-year-old, please stop doing it at dinner. Because the family audience is decidedly not working, get him one-on-one. I turned to Cara Natterson's book "Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons" for some ideas. She gives a slew of ideas of how to talk to your son in the first chapter. Here are just a few:
• Listen. Although this seems obvious, most parents of tweens do most of the talking (see also: lecturing). Be ready to ask open-ended questions, and then just, well, shut up. Let your quiet boy work through what he wants to say (or not), and just wait. This is a kindness that many parents underestimate.
• Avoid eye contact. Especially if your son is introverted and private, eye contact can simply be too vulnerable. Walking, shooting hoops, playing a video game, baking cookies - all of these activities can facilitate conversation.
• Turn off devices. We know that screens distract even the most focused of humans, so let's give ourselves a fighting chance by turning them off.
• Be patient. This point seems obvious, but if your son feels like the butt of a family joke, he may not be willing to open up to you right from the get-go. Gentle persistence is key.
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Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counseling and is a certified parent coach.
Previously:
• Can a 6-year-old have self-discipline?
• Our son is being pushed around. Do we teach him to push back?
• When only children have trouble with entertaining themselves
• How much empathy can I expect from a 5-year-old?
• Why it's OK that your seventh-grader lacks close friendships
• 'I love my child but I don't love parenting.' Will this change?
• Parents needn't explain all of their decisions to young children
• When patience isn't practical
• My 6-year-old isn't grieving his grandpa. Should I be worried?
• Why is a 4-year-old defiant at every turn?
• How NOT to teach kids to overcome disappointment
• The age of infinite information has made parents feel infinitely insecure
• Connecting with the uncooperative child
• DNA to blame for daughter's sassy demeanor?
• We try to teach her gratitude. All we get is attitude
• Comforting - but not coddling - a sensitive child