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Jewish World Review July 22, 2004 /4 Menachem-Av, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Los Angeles Lakers began rebuilding around Kobe Bryant Tuesday. Everyone acts like he's already been acquitted. Kobe Bryant just signed a seven-year deal with the Lakers contingent on the jury's verdict, so either way he's set for life.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. got fixed up Sunday at the medical center of the University of California at Davis. He asked for this hospital. It's the only way he could slip word past the liberal media to NASCAR fans that Jefferson Davis has a town named after him in California.

Paul Tagliabue agreed to a three-year contract extension Monday to remain NFL Commissioner. He's pro-active. This year he is going to invite schoolchildren to come to NFL training camps and talk to the players about the dangers of drug use.

The September 11th Commission is releasing its final report today. They said it will arrive in bookstores soon. There's no official title for the five-hundred-page report, but the audiobook version is called Asleep at the Wheel's Greatest Hits.

John Kerry's policy adviser Sandy Berger is under FBI investigation for taking secret U.S. documents. He just got some excellent legal advice. Martha Stewart told him that under no circumstances should he carry an expensive handbag into the courtroom.

Sandy Berger resigned as John Kerry's adviser Tuesday when he was accused of lifting secret documents from the National Archives. This isn't going away. One thing that may be over is Winona Rider's lifetime search for her biological father.

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